Tag: personal

Papa Luis

It seems like I couldn’t thank the universe and the skies above enough for having you. I am grateful that I am your granddaughter.

When I was a little kid, I used to make all the silliest things just because of plain curiosity; and that you kept up with all of my kasutilan was unbelievable.

You (and mama) are the ones who believed in me even in times that even I, don’t believe myself; times that I wasn’t even sure if I can accomplish such.

Man of few words is what you are. I never heard you speak ill about other people, not even once. You are a disciplinarian, a very good one… in a very good way and this is the reason why you earned everyone’s respect.

You saved my life in all possible ways it can be saved. You work hard to give me the best and if there will better than ‘the best,’ I know for sure you will give it to me, too. You never made me feel that I lack so many things or that I’m not talented enough.

You never grew tired of waiting for me whenever I get home late from work or somewhere I don’t even divulge; and yet, you don’t argue with that.

When I was a kid about 7 or 8, I remember I told you I wanted to be a teacher and you told me, ‘go.’ Then I told you I wanted to be a doctor and you said ‘alright.’ Things changed and things varied, I pledged to take Mass Communication and you still said the same thing. None of it I pursued. I took a different path and still you supported me wholeheartedly.

You made me realize, that money, of all the things in this world, is essential but it’s not everything. When I was in college and tuition fee seems lacking, we seek help and though we never got one, you gave me everything you have so I can finish my studies. Despite all of those, I never heard you say a word about giving up on me and my tuition fees. You didn’t even look at me like you were. You made me embrace that there was always a way and there was nothing wrong with trying.

It was graduation day and I marched along with other graduates. On-time, no failing grades, almost with a Latin honor; there was smile on my face and joy in my heart as I was steps away from the most anticipated college diploma. I know you and mama felt happier than me because finally… WE made it.

Few years back, I remember, there was a day I went home crying because I got cheated on by a former partner. I was crying so hard and you hugged me and told me ‘everything is going to be okay.’ I didn’t want to believe you because I felt so low. I felt really miserable that I didn’t even know if there was an end to that feeling. (kadiri, diba? hahaha!) But then I started to believe you as you repeatedly said those words. And guess what, it did.

Now, we remember those days and we all laughed how stupid I was. Your laugh was priceless and because of that I know, I will never feel so alone. Never.

There are so many good things about you that I want to say and I can go on all day sharing all the good stories we have.

Maybe someday you will forget about me, because of old age, perhaps? But I want to let you know I will never forget you and all the things about you. I will be your voice if you need to speak, the hum to your every tune and the steps that comes along with your feet. I will be your hand if you need any additional or replacement. I can be your eyes if you can’t see clear enough. I can be everything you need me to be just to show you how much I’m grateful for you and mama, for saving my life and for teaching me everything I needed to know.

Because of you, I am me.
To you, Papa, I am very thankful. To you, I dedicate all my achievements and even my smallest milestones (if there’s any).

I am so proud of you. This is, perhaps, a small gesture to show the world how big you are to me. That for every chance I have, I will still choose to be your granddaughter. You are my idol, my light and my shield. And beyond everything, you are the best lolo!

I hope, 20 years from now, we can still watch films while eating pancit canton bought from the sari-sari store.

Happy Father’s Day and Happy Birthday, Papa.
I love you.

Hello there, 2015!

Hello there, 2015!!

I’m happy to have survived the year 2014 and I’m grateful that I still have those people who I went through a lot with the said year. Though it’s a bit strange to think about the twists and turns of how the year went, it was indeed a fun ride and I’m happy to brag that I don’t have any regrets about the year that was.

2015 has taken its vision. I’m happy about my independent living as well. I am 20-something in the world full of transitions, digital avenues and dilemmas; I am a bit far from the ‘top’ but who cares now if I get there or not? I left home for independence and I am glad that I am living it. It did make me love my family more, miss them more and appreciate more what we have way back home. It makes me do things on my own and with the people around me – it’s like knowing yourself even better, loving your own and everything in between; everything just went so lovely.

There will be lots of adjustments and flexing to do but I think those are the points of it all. I don’t want it safe; I want it to be reasonable, valid and perhaps, spontaneous. Leaving your comfort zone is something different and it does make you realize that you are brave enough to conquer. Those things you don’t think you can survive with are the things that helps you survive everything in no expense now.

Also, I am happy to find good friends along the way. Friends that can be treasured forever or until I’m 70 (just like what Ed Sheeran claims. Hahaha!) Friends whom I know will understand all the things that will occur, no matter how shitty it will be.

2015 is so far, wonderful. I am thankful and privileged to have lived one more year in this cruel world. Shankyu, 2015. Up here!

Why we need to be an entity of our own

People often think that their happiness depends on others – it can add to what happiness is really like but always remember that happiness lies within you, you alone. In this life, we work so hard to fit in, we go with the norms, the new trends and to what other people think is right; that even if we don’t like it at times, we still do it because we are after everyone’s admiration and acceptance.

Finding happiness isn’t a chore; it’s a commitment, a decision, a mindset and a destination. Time may lead us to a fail measure sometimes but it’s a part of it. We can’t change any situation because we can’t control everything but what we can do is to change our attitude towards it. Things hurt us sometimes, give us the feeling of numbness and scrape our hearts out – it sucks but that’s how we learn. Sometimes, the universe gives us challenges or trials that are so hard, we can’t even bear; by the time we surpass it, we won’t be able to forget the lessons packaged with it that will sure help us in the long run.

We need to be an entity of our own. We need to have a life of our own and not depend too much on anyone. By the time we gave everything to them, we are prone to get disappointed because we have been dependent – at most, if not in everything we do. We need to live our given lives to find out what’s really in it.

One must manage to keep his feet on the ground and stand up for what he or she believes in. Sometimes, it’s funny that we can do so much for others yet they can do so little for us. That’s life, that’s how it goes. You give and just give, don’t expect something in return. Live the life you want to live and it really pays to be kind. Do something for them, give them what they deserve and always remember that whatever you give, you give it with all your heart – one must not care if something has to be returned but care on how you can make yourself happy by giving.

To attain happiness, we must start to be an entity of our own. For what reasons?

To enjoy life as we are, not depending on others
We must learn how to be comfortable with ourselves. We must learn how to be alone. Alone doesn’t mean that we are lonely, it only means that we can enjoy and have a blast in our own company. We can learn more about ourselves – good spots and flaws. The moment we have accepted our flaws, the more others can’t use it against us.

To be comfortable with ourselves and others
If we know how we can go on about everything, we can’t fear being with a lot of people with various personalities. We must be comfortable with ourselves first then we can be comfortable with other people.

To minimize the feeling of being sad or lonely. To just be happy.
When we are around a bunch of people and we depend so much to them, the moment we lost them, holding on to what it was or has been makes it so hard. We became shattered to pieces and we became ill inside and it can do no good. It’s fine to be hurt, be sad or lonely especially if someone has touched your life more that you can imagine but leaning too much isn’t healthy at all.

We must learn to get to know our capacity as a person, be happy even if we are alone and be independent. It’s not about guarding yourself, it’s about giving your all and still manage to have everything for yourself when everything goes down.

To love ourselves deeper
Sometimes, we are too busy caring and loving other people that we forgot ourselves. We must not, in any way, forget to love ourselves first and last. Loving our own goodness, flaws and character can make us more capable of loving other people. If you don’t love yourself, how can you love other people? How can you give something you don’t even have at the very first place?

You are

Amidst of all the craziness, I want to take the day to ponder on ways how I could express gratitude. The lucky I get, the blessed I will be and everything else, whether good or bad is just enough reason for me to be grateful.

You are the fire giving me heat, the water that keeps me fresh and the best poem among the best ones I have inside my head. My heart is filled with such happiness I couldn’t describe. A happiness that I can’t even explain to anybody. Perhaps, it’s true; that you wouldn’t be able to describe such feeling because it should be felt. I take it all in.

Of all the craziness in this damn universe and along the things that gives pain to our asses, you are my favorite pain in the ass (and I hope I am your favorite as well). What I have with you can’t be bought by a billion dollars and that’s for sure. Loving you is like having a diarrhea, I just can’t hold it in! Hahaha!

You are my favorite song on a rainy day. You are my favorite weather if you are one. You are the extra to my ordinary. And beyond that, you are the warmest feeling behind my cold ones.

You are my happy thought everyday. The instrument to make my tears go back to my tear glands. The ‘thank you’ every happy day I get to spend. You are the slow-motion moment in my movie trailer and I’m glad to be part of the credits and the post one.

Thank you. Thank you for making me feel so happy and secure. I wish these words can wrapped around you for you to feel my love. May you be always glad for just watching Master Chef with me. May you always be hyped by just looking at me with a silly face and may you always love me even I look yagit with my Tweety bird shirt on.

I love you everyday.

Upside Down

When you have found and lost something, have repeated that cycle for several times and finally stick to the ‘found,’ you definitely want to cut all modes and reasons why the universe should not need to proceed to turning it upside down again.

You will do all sort of things to blunder why you are deserving for that single ‘thing’ or ‘person’ you can be grateful for the rest of your life. And you might say the battle still continues or the battle is yet to begin again. But you know that it’s not a battle, it’s not a war, and you can’t even identify it entirely, what it really is puzzles you. None of those words you know might be suitable for the gesture. 
You’d like to think that there’s really something wrong with you, still. You will blame yourself again and again and you will lose your self-worth one more freakin’ time. You don’t want to, of course. You can’t help but think, that one day you’ll wake up and the universe conspire against you, for the nth time. 
You’d like to think that it’s out of your control and there’s nothing you can do to control everything. One thing that you just need is to let everything and anything happen, especially with those things that you really can’t control no matter how good your super powers are. If they will let you slip away, so be it. It will hurt you, it will make you cry until there’s nothing left for you to let out but none of those will let you have a grip of. 
You look at everything you missed. You look at every moment you found yourself happy and sad. You close your eyes and you let it all in. You cry the tears of your heart. You feel the coldness of your bones. You want to crawl back to everything you had, but you just couldn’t. It’s not possible. 
For now, just sit. Do your thing. Let it all happen if it’s going to happen. 
When you are afraid, trust HIM. 
“Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever finally comes to realize that nothing really belongs to them.” – Paulo Coelho

You

Years ago, I met a guy. What we had, what we have and going to have, I know for sure, is and will be amazing no matter what the weather and rough the road is and will be.

That I fell in love with him is not a myth. My love for him is an elemental part of a certain space. And I was very surprised to discover that I have such capacity to love someone that way. He is the one I would like to give the last piece of everything I have, even the last fry. He better damn refuse when it comes to that last fry, though.

I write this because I want to let him know how much I value him and I’m hoping he won’t be annoyed. I promise to be kind, always. That being kind means, in this context, is that I promise not to be annoying.

I can’t find the words to tell him that he is worth far more than any thing bought somewhere. And he is worthy of my every second, minute and hour, even at the baddest state of the sphere. He is worthy of every milli ampere my universe battery has.

He is one stubborn guy that smiles to a more stubborn me. And I want to let him know that despite stubborn situations, he will be the person I look forward to hugging even after a fight, the one that I want to snuggle and crank silly jokes with.

I’m proud of him and I wish I could tell everyone that I really am. He is the hot sauce that gives spice to my pizza slices. A bookmark to my favorite books. A leprechaun at the end of the rainbow and a part of happiness in my happy universe.

To you, I am far more than blessed and for you I am lucky. You are the ultimate manual to my assemble. One that I will always be grateful for.

May your voice remain unequivocal, your thoughts remain smart and funny and may you remain as a happy part of me.

Pure

Thanks to my good friend for this.
I say thank you for your kind words! You made me feel so good!

***

I saw Shainne the first time in a state university – she wasn’t a student there, she was just sitting there (according to her). She indeed wore just shirt, pants and sneakers, her hair on a pony tail, a big shoulder bag and that was just it. But she looked so different, she looked like she should be somewhere else – partying or drinking, maybe. Shainne, I thought, belong to the maarte and sosyal ones. After that encounter, she showed me the opposite of what I have thought of her. 
She is very simple and the one thing I wasn’t wrong about my impression of her is, she has class. When you look at her, you will know she’s smart. Shainne is the kind of woman you want to be with, you will crave to be with and you will be happy to be with. 

She might be quiet at some point but when you get to know her you would know she is animated. She can make fun of anything under the sun and she doesn’t care where you guys eat or how many people are there in the crowd. She buys at ukay-ukays, always up for something crazy and she always has hilarious ideas in her head that if you want to know (if and when she won’t bug you about it), you must ask her. I promise you it is going to be funny. 

I also remember one moment, a time when she was writing her article about, yeah, Peace. She was so funny because of the ideas she wanted to write about, well I thought, aren’t really related about the topic. Hahaha! I know she was just kidding the same time I know she really didn’t have any idea to be serious about that specific article.

Her simple joys are indeed simple and she’s not the kind of person that will sell you out or leave you just because something good is up for her. Her thinking is, if that’s really something good for her, she should be with the people she like and love the most. She goes to different places and she’s really not a boring person. Even if you are just sitting with her at a random place, her stories will fire up and the time will just pass by without you knowing.

Her crazy ideas took her to different places and to the people who loved her and liked her for real. Shainne is considered really successful and she knows she is one. 
In an open forum which she was part of, she was asked:

Member: For me, you are successful. You are not a CEO or an entrepreneur yet but you seem to be really successful. Why?
Shainne: I am! Because I have something that money can’t buy. 
Member: You sure?
Shainne: Ah, yes. I’ve thought of this: After I die, I will just leave all that money, the title and everything I have achieved that for others were ‘success’ but that something that money can’t be bought is what matters to me now. I will be lying if I say I don’t want all the material things in this world. Of course I want those! I’m dreaming of having some of those but then, I think, it will be just part of what my success really means. Can be considered bonuses but those aren’t on top of my priorities. 

It moved me and all of us in that room, if I must say. Sometimes, having the title and having the huge amount of money aren’t the components that will give meaning to your success but having something that money can’t buy is what really matters in this world, in this life. 

Ben

I was then so young, about seven or eight and I still can remember how the rivalry works or perhaps if not the rivalry, a certain conflict that every neighbor goes through. Back then, I was not really paying attention and I did not know where and how it all started.

I have never heard his voice, or maybe just once, when he was trying to shoo me away from their backyard. I never had a conversation with him, never. One day, I saw people outside of their home, doors and windows were all open and there were lights everywhere. I saw that it was a wake, someone died. The coffin was inside their home with flowers and sash, Mang Ben, as we all call him already bid his goodbye. 
I just have few encounters with Mang Ben – when I was a kid, a college student, and the last would be when I was already working. I just heard he was hit by a stroke, maybe two or three years ago but he recovered. Sometimes, I saw him walking around the neighborhood wearing his blue or green slippers; his one arm dead and half of his body was not functioning normal after the attack. His tummy was not huge anymore, he was already slim; way too different compare to before, compare to his normal state. 
There are times, I take pedicabs all the way to the tricycle terminal. Two to three moments he had driven the pedicab I was in. I never heard him talk still and never we had a conversation, reason behind was he already know where he will drop me. I then thought that it was good for him. Rather than being isolated and reclusive at home, it was a good idea to engage himself into biking and at least he was earning money.
We were never close, never did I feel the need of having a conversation with him. Mang Ben on the other hand, feels the same way, I think. He was not sociable and I don’t think he ever liked kids or he liked some but he just didn’t like us – my cousins and I. 
Back on the day when I went home and saw that there was a wake, I knew from the start, he was the one who died. Given the idea that he was sick. He got hit by a stroke again and his body gave up. Somehow I know, my late aunt suffered a long run of twelve years being a stroke victim; she got hit by a stroke many times, three or four I think and the last attack was indeed the last and it was over. 
I kind of felt the loneliness of Mang Ben’s family. No matter what, it is indeed hard to accept that someone so close to you is already gone.Well, even someone really didn’t die – just like relationship that has put to an end, so what more of losing someone dear to you literally and figuratively. 
I always believe Mang Ben was mean to us but I felt sad when he got hit by a stroke the first time and I felt sadder when I knew he was already gone. Maybe Mang Ben was a good man and it is just surprising that life will end without you even noticing. Maybe he was lonely, maybe he felt alone once in his life, maybe he wanted to give up but thought of fighting still for his wife, for his family. Maybe we all felt something like that in our lives and maybe we thought of not knowing where we are going next and how everything is going to be. 
I wonder if he lived a life with a purpose. I wonder if he was already fulfilled before he died. Maybe yes or maybe no. He now returned his borrow life and all of us too will do the same, in time. Time, we are not sure of when. I don’t think someone is really prepared for his death. There’s still something that holding us back and never wishing it to happen. At the end of the story, all of our lives are borrowed and when our time is over, it is subject to be returned. 
Mang Ben was on his pedicab still, I guess… recovering and giving half of his body a life again. 

Tree

In the middle of the night, the tree is swaying, clocks are ticking and the clouds are frantic with worry. A tree that is moving back and forth through a great feeling of the  air in the middle of a misty night, was the same tree that is moving back and forth through the same great feeling a long time ago. 
It was once gloomy, once bright, once hasty and always stiff. The tree is happy while clocks are ticking though the clouds are frantic with worry. The tree will eventually change its way; might be happier with itself without the greatness of air. But how can it live thee without the presence of air in its atmosphere? How can it sway thee? How can it dance thee?
One tree in the middle of the night – wanting to be noticed, wanting to be wanted, was on the verge of converting itself to a different thing. It is impossible for sure by cause that a tree will always be a tree. It can’t be moved to a place or another. It will always be just there, just a tree. 
The happy tree wants to be happier. It won’t count the ticking anymore. It won’t mind the clouds that were wrapped in frantic worry. It will only be counting its sway, in the pillars of its life, in the place where it should be. It will only get stronger. The tree will surely live, it might be for its another feel, another field or another phase.
The tree will sway. The tree won’t demand; happy disposition is present to its roots.
It will free its leaves, roots and branches. It can only stay in one place but the leaves can be somewhere else; a place where it can leave its trace; a place where it can be special.

Tita Lea

October 7, 2012, we’ve lost you. You were considered as the most intelligent child in the family. You were five then, three girls and two boys. Now, your parents got only four.

It saddened us. We all know that our way would be there, death. But nobody ever wanted for it to happen so soon. Pretty sure that we wanted you to rest and be free. Free from this world of uncertainties, sickness and from the battle of life that was once wonderful. You fought, we know. You were strong and you didn’t let stroke consume you, even for the nth time. But then again, you’re only human; you got limitation and you need to have a way with comfort.

I was crying. I didn’t know where to place the sadness and the sudden turn of pages. We weren’t expecting it because we all know was you can still survive. You didn’t give up, I know. The world gave up on you, perhaps. We’re living in discomfort, in a place where a lot of things aren’t sure. In a way, you wanted another chance to live, to see how everyone and everything’s going to be.

Tita, we’re all grown ups now. We could still remember how you’ve been such a fighter, independent, intelligent and successful woman. Nobody in the family can do the same like what you did; and then there’s me, wishing I could achieve the same.

Tita, I know that you feel that you had your own fair of mistakes in life and I know that you’re up to a good thing if your life had been the same as the start.

Sometimes I can smell the flowers we gave you during your last day and I secretly hope it was you visiting us here. Mama and Papa will never forget you. Everyone might forget how you look like, how you smell, how the sound of your laugh differ from anybody else but we would never ever forget how you made us feel. My childhood memories are still here with me, I could remember the few moments we all spent together.

I wish you could still remember us. I wish you’re happier there, wherever you are. Christmas wouldn’t be the same without you. We’re not going to be used to it because nobody should be left behind. Family.

Tita, we did count the days and moments you were here and I still can’t believe that we’re now counting the days that you’re already gone.

We know that you’re happier now.

And then I still wish I could smell the flowers again.

We miss you everyday, Tita Lea.