Tag: personal

Nostalgia

It was between 2004 and 2008, Jango Radio was on; was it Paramore that was playing or Keane’s new single? I remember Grey’s Anatomy on Studio 23 and the smell of Starbucks along SLEX and my unsureness of a college degree program to take because I’m painfully shy of some sort.

I cannot describe the feeling as it can also be felt. I wish it is transferable, then maybe we can further understand each other better. Today brought me back to how it was when I came across a post by Barbie Almalbis still rocking the tunes that made me learn how to play the guitar and for once, made me want to be in a band. At her 45th, she still has it, it was like nothing has changed when everything has, really.

I remember that dial-up connection in a Windows 95 then later on upgraded to Windows XP. That 5mbps internet wireless connection I raved about because of how efficient it was during that time in my old Lenovo laptop that I used to tape because its ribbons were already loose and even destroyed. Those days when I felt lucky I have a 2GB flash drive for my college papers, diskettes, and CDs for other files and installers. That Php50 CD burning service I used to save money on.

As I recall, at 16, I have high hopes for myself albeit clueless of what was going to happen to me. I am still quite clueless now, I don’t have it all figured out, at least not yet, I hope. But, sometimes, I wish I could dream and revive the journals I kept before. What was it like in 2004? How about in 2007? or those days in 2002? Was 2008 a life-changing year for me? Or was it 2005? What about when I was blasting my earphones on Blue (Da Ba Dee) by Eifeel 65 in 1999? We cannot go back, that is for sure, but sometimes it is just good to remember that things that have forgotten.

Something New this 2023!

Me and my lifestyle blogging career like a true sociable person that I’m not really am (but trying!)

Hello, you!

Just to share, like many of you, I’m thankful for another year. I’m grateful for life even if it is hard on us, sometimes. What we go through each day is not even a joke and must not be taken lightly, as we have our own battles — whether known and sometimes, more importantly, when in silence.

In my previous post, I said that I wanted to renew blogging. It’s therapeutic even though it seems it is so 2thousand-and-late. It wasn’t the early 2000s anymore; in fact, as you think about it, it was over two decades ago, and there, life and time flew by so fast.

With this predicament, I’d like to not overshare, but to document my experiences and how I live my life albeit boring hehe, my homecooked meals and recipes (so I have something to look back to because I always lost the papers I wrote the recipes in). I’d like to document it now because 1. I already have the time (quite! hopefully), and 2. and my main reason: ultimately help (in any way) one or two people through the things I post.

I am very excited to begin like it was in 2010! Hehe. See you around!

To Resolute

Blogging.. again.

I started blogging in 2010 or probably maybe even before that when ‘blogging’ and posting it on the internet wasn’t a thing yet. I used to write notes and I kept a diary for most part of my grade school and high school years. It was an outlet really. I often jot down the books I’ve read about the stories or plots I can relate to. I originally intended the ‘reads’ part of my website to be the same case but I wasn’t following through due to all this life that is happening.

Anyhoo, I rekindled and halt this slump because I came across Bianca Gonzalez’s blog albeit it’s not updated now but still gold. It made me realize why this space is here, not that you all want to know things going on in my life and not that it’s interesting either, but it’s more documenting the life I’m privileged to have and maybe spread good vibes or something relatable even in just one reader, but I’d be more than glad if there’ll be two.

At 18 or 19 years old, I was a big blog reader of several bloggers (our generation’s influencers back then). Patty Laurel was one of those bloggers I always look forward to reading. Her contents were anything under the sun and those gave me the sense of freedom to actually be myself because that was what she does, be herself.

No smartphones yet during those times so keeping a blog was really ‘work’ for a college student like me, but seeing my entries now compare to before, there was the only thing I noticed that had changed — my time. I didn’t have that much time today that I had before because of the many other things that kept me busy — motherhood for one, my enterprise, doctorate, work, and life as it is. My hands are quite full but typing this or actually blogging for quite a long time feels good, really. It’s nostalgic.

In fact, I started some doodling and mini-journaling in September and early October of this year when I lost my voice. I was so down with a flu (COVID negative, TYL!) I went from paos to a total zero and it was so heartbreaking because I can’t communicate in the manner I was supposed to. There were so many things happening but I just can’t speak, literally. It started September first week – the whole week, and while I wasn’t 100% I came back to work like usual, then two weeks later it was flu all over again, even worse. I didn’t recover quickly because I felt I was okay and I ignored everything to actually rest. When the October flu came, I didn’t bother to contest anymore and I stopped feeling guilty about not answering calls (because I really don’t have the voice to shell out unlike the September season when I was at least just paos). I rested and rested well, I worked, but more on the pending desk work that I needed to submit and accomplish. Anyway, I’m thinking if I should share those journals I wrote, it was a good take on giving yourself the needed rest and it was also an opportunity for me to read more and start writing my book (which led me to the fact that I need to finish it).

Well, this entry is probably my resolution to blog more and give myself a little life and a little documentation of it. While I like things hidden, I don’t mind sharing some of my discoveries and thoughts. You will not find so much in the ‘Places’ section of this website, truth be told, I’m a hermit, and I don’t like going out. I think I should try to share some of my travel photos and experiences in the past to compensate hehe well, I’ve traveled well enough to know that I don’t like traveling that much — but I always like to try something new here and there.

Blog it is

I will continue blogging like it’s the early 2000s.

I know blogs aren’t that “in” anymore unlike in our “day.” Haha hindi naman masyadong matanda diba but when you were a tween, a teen, or in your 20s during the 90s and the early 2000s, blogs are usually a go-to where you can know the latest chika about people’s lives and more or less you’ll also know how poetic someone is–yes, even the people you already know personally. That side they reveal through blog and that was a nice thing and I hope it is still nice to today. It is something to look something back to. Me, I do, I usually scroll all the way down to the very beginning to see how I transformed and to see how I lived my life before compared to how it is now.

This website or the portion of this that says “journal,”—I have been disappointed in myself too because I haven’t duly updated it and I usually don’t do journaling that much anymore. Adulthood and motherhood all combined are some of the daily doses I take every day. I am not as open in my blog like before, because I don’t like to bring satisfaction to my former boyfriends’ exes who look me up from time-to-time to know more about me. Hahaha! Stop na. We’ve been past that, don’t look me up na. Focus nalang on your lives. I will do you no good din naman unless you want to be an acquaintance or want to have a workaround of friendship with me diba, don’t do it like a creepy person, approach me nalang if you need to know something.

With all that aside, I wanted to be more open–not to the point that I’ll tell you everything there is to tell–more like I share things that I think significant or substantial, if hindi siya substantial, you may free naman to exit. Wala naman pilitan. Hahaha I just want to document a portion of my life.

I tell nga my son maybe mommy will start a vlog on YouTube or a mini vlog on TikTok. He just laughed at me and tell me NO. He knows these things, maybe he thinks it’s not bagay kay mom. (If you are with me at home with my kid, you’ll recognize this is how I talk. I’m not proud of it. I just mix and match English and Filipino words because I start to transition my son into speaking Filipino fluently too. We are getting there!) And going back, having a vlog I think is too much work? And I’m camera shy so I guess that’ll be challenging, but maybe I should try? Maybe keep this one nalang din since I’m paying for hosting and domain hehe

Almost -ber months update no one asked for:

  • I’ve read a total of 44 books already and I’m currently reading my 45th book. I planned to read 40 books for 2022 and the reading challenge is already done by July 28, 2022. Woohoo! I felt especially proud about this achievement because I also got perfect grades last semester despite all the doctoral readings–glad that I was able to squeeze in pa to read books that many. Bravo!

Counting isn’t really required but it somehow helps to keep track of life and I do enjoy it. Reading also lessened my time on social media and it felt good, really. At least we get by without our smartphones holding us up. I usually do reviews of what I have read here, but someway somehow life requires more of me, so I halt and just transfer it on my Instagram account. Short and sweet. But not all I post, I don’t like to make it like a chore.

  • Happy Shift is doing good, though more work needs to be done, we’ll get there. We are under a lot of R&D lately and I want to jumpstart it before I begin a new semester which will be packed, I am sure. We get invited to different events so there is always something to look forward to.
  • I’m re-calibrating my life as I see fit. It is always a work in progress. You also have to reflect and see how it will get you to a new destination. It is something to always work on because you also have to transform and innovate.

Nothing really is new. More on improved other half of the year. There is just so much to tell though but maybe in another post. I like to load this space with more words and experiences with the sole goal of documenting things and probably ~inspire~ some. So, we’ll stick to the blog. Reading and writing are good things to practice, by the way. 😉

Have a happy birthday there in Heaven, Kuya Denz.

We’ll see you in our dreams.

There are many ways I could remember you, but those ways can never not bring me to tears even in the middle of the day, in a celebration, even I’m in the most wonderful of places. It was never the same and I don’t think it will be again.

I wasn’t special and still am not. Average, fortunately, but growing up I saw myself achieving some that would make me feel somehow special, and I saw it because you let me, you have believed and pushed me that I can, genuinely so.

I wasn’t a happy kid–I’m always being compared sometimes to my classmates, mostly to my cousins, neighbors alike, and anyone my age doing far better than I was. My mother, who I know perhaps loved me like any other mother could, wasn’t very fond of me not just like how any mother should. Growing up, it was such a heartache. It was difficult to deal with it and still is even if I’m already in my thirties being a mother myself. But, just like growing up, it has been less painful because you have always believed I can do things I want to do, even the things I don’t want to. You have always supported me even if it was a hassle and could be tiring for you. I couldn’t even remember a moment you said no, even if I bring myself to reminisce if there was one moment in my life you made me feel unimportant, just like how many others made me while growing up and as a grown-up in this time.

It has been what? Four years? Yet it has always felt like it was just yesterday. I always remember your birthdays even if sometimes it looks like I have failed to. Maybe pain made me show things less–my sorrows, my affection to others, maybe the neutral vibe and a giddy self helped cover things for me–it was easy, no justifications needed, case closed.

How do you celebrate your birthdays up there now? Do parties there have alcohol and karaoke, too? Is there a lechon in heaven? Is it fun up there? Pain-free? Sorrow-free? I wish we could have celebrated more birthdays but sometimes I think that maybe it is selfish to wish for it because I want to make peace, that whatever it is right now with you, you are better; and celebrating more birthdays like I usually hope will not be good for you anymore.

The sorrow I feel may be of selfishness–that I lost someone who genuinely believes I can do great things and without you, I cannot seem to fathom how I could achieve more and better. Maybe that’s just plain selfish. BUT within me I know, you deserve more life than it ever was for you because you touched people’s hearts without even trying, by being just you. There are just so many things others are thankful for you and your life lived. What I feel is perhaps just a portion of what Ate Che and the kids’ feel, but I’d like to also think I hold merit because growing up as a snobby little child, I have never once felt that I don’t deserve good things and good treatment for being me. Looking back as a kid, I did need understanding, and more than the Happy Meals and toys you have collected and have given me, I am most thankful for that understanding and compassion you have shown me.

I still cry whenever I think of you. It still makes me sad. Every year it gets sadder because I feel I am rather far away from yesterday than I could reminisce. Sometimes I stop reading and inserting information in my head with the fear that each file I stuff in my brain can replace the memories with you that I have in it because I don’t want to forget and I can’t. Maybe as a kid, I wasn’t destined to grow up like others, that difference put me through tough times, but now that I can duly understand, I really didn’t grow up like others because mine was a bit more special than theirs.

I wish you are happy wherever you are. I know that you guide all of us always. Happy birthday, Kuya Denz. We miss you.

We’ll see you in our dreams.

Year 2021 is a failure, but

I was sitting in the middle of a nice garden already thinking how it will change my life, then it didn’t.

It was late at night of composing essays and self-sell anecdotes thinking how it will change my life, then it didn’t.

It was like this back and forth throughout the year. Every time I say I give up, I tell myself ‘one more,’ on and on until I get tired, but then I don’t. Sound courageous for some, persistent maybe, but looks crazy to me.

Maybe the craziness can lead to better things in the future. Maybe. I don’t know. The world really has its way of real-talking you without actually or literally ‘talking.’

BUT I did great on other aspects. I probably knew myself better than the previous years and I probably mature a little bit compare to the years before – hopefully. 2021 was a year of failure – it is true. It was a year of constant reminding myself to hang on tight and believe you’ll get there where you want to be. Maybe we need these things to enjoy the victories we are yet to attain, to love the life we are living even in its simplicity, and to have fun in the solitude the world enforced us into.

I am very happy for all the people I know who consider this year as their year of victory. Maybe I get my turn, too, who knows when but I really do hope it happens. I hope all my hard work will pay off or maybe not, we’ll never be sure. This year I’m grateful for my and my family’s good health – it is a privilege to live, really; it was an honor to fight.

For now I rest and pause the battle. I hope soon enough I can look back to this year, remember how it made me feel, but be okay about it. I hope soon I find purpose of my downfalls and the scarcity of my success. Urgently I hope I find comfort with my wounds; I hope I find laughter in my pitfalls.

2019 and still a long long way to go

2018 was one hella challenging year for me. The depression, the questionable life, and other challenges. I went to a whirlwind of emotions and workaholism. LOL. I have managed to survive, anyway.

Business was good in 2018, and I hope it continues. I have discovered so many things about myself, too. Things that I did not even notice even way before.

I think that was what reflection can do for you. My experiences are humbling. I was always being reminded to remain simple, get my feet to stay on the ground, and cherish people who want to be part of my life. I have managed to eliminate people who only remember me because they needed something or purely bored and I was the nearest person whom they can bug and willing to entertain. I have had enough. Bahala na kayo sa buhay niyo! Hahaha!

I started 2019 with flu. I thought 2018 would spare me from any form of sickness, but NO. The universe has its own way of reminding me that I am only human and I need rest, too. I worked non-stop for the past year. Mondays to Sundays. It was always discovering new things. It was fun, but you know, tiring.

2019 seems quite good of a year to me. Finally, I can meet my thesis adviser again to have my manuscript re-check and ready for my final defense. I am crossing all my fingers to ace this year with flying colors.

I am working extra hard this year because I want to calibrate my life. Hahaha! You know, I always blame myself for my life choices. I have had so many mistakes in the past. I cannot tweak any of it though, what I can do is to do better in the present and the next. Ganun talaga. You win some, you learn some.

2019 is also big for my friends, too! Some shifted careers, some will have kids, and I (together with other friends) will celebrate their life advancement as I also advance with mine. I have come to know who my real friends are. I have waved goodbye to toxic ones because they are plain toxic. They do not contribute to my growth and like I have said, only remembers me whenever they needed something.

I know that I still have a long looooong way to go and I am nowhere near where I wanted to be, but at least I have taken the first few steps to reach my desired destination.

I am also not thinking of love for this year. It had disappointed me some ways, and I would like to believe that it is the universe saying, ‘slow down.’ Hahaha! BUT, all is good in the hood!

I would not own 2019, and it is not entirely mine, okay? I just like to do better this time around.

Living the Indie Life: 5 Things I’ve Learned the Hard Way

One of the most memorable years of my life are the years I spent living alone, independently. I had the whole time to discover myself, to finally connect with my being, my strengths, and my weaknesses, and to do all the things I want to do without any approval, only myself.

On the other hand, it was sad to be away from family, too, but it was all-happy at the same time. I answer only to myself, who by the way, is not too hard to please, if I may say. I’m not high-maintenance. Simple things drive me. 
I had the time to know more what I want in life, what I surely cry about, or what can hurt me. I protected myself at all times because no one can do it for me. Sure, there were a lot of lessons there, trial and errors, too. But with all the lessons I’ve learned, I learned it through the hardest way possible:
1. You are only accountable for yourself, so stop being a baby
My career was sure a whirlwind of an experience. It was ups and downs, and it had mostly downs at some point. I go home every night without someone to ask how my day went. It went on ticking me. It was a sad life, I may say so to myself way back.  
But a lot changed when I stopped being a baby and have been more responsible for my actions. It made me learn new things, be with a lot of different people from different creations of living, and it made me know what I was really capable of.

Stop treating it like the world owe you one because, in reality, the world doesn’t owe you anything. It is your duty to make your life wonderful and happy.

2. Value your relationships with people


Since you are living alone and you are far from the people whom you call family, it is best to value even the tiniest relationship with others. I was friends with my landlady, I talked to the security guard down my building, and I was in acquaintance with most of my neighbors. They kept me entertained and feeling alive at all times.

I’ve gone through a lot of phasing out with the people whom cannot serve me well anymore and vice versa. I cut-out toxic people in my life and I couldn’t be any happier to do so. I know they are also happy that I’m already out of their system because I can’t serve them better anymore.

3. Take care of your funds, with all your might

Woohoo! Millennials! Hahaha! Living solo is like living the dream. You are not to answer to anybody but yourself. So, you must, in all might, take care of your funds. I pay my own rent, utilities, food, and everything I need. Imagine how was that stressful for the most part? Haha! But, I’ve learned a lot about money how to actually keep up.

4. Heartbreaks everywhere

I swear that I won’t be in any relationship because I was not ‘that’ person who prefer it. But, that doesn’t mean that I can’t feel anything for someone. Of course, I have gotten my heart broken so many times, reasons may vary, yet… heartbroken.

You are your own confidant and it’s normal if you get your heartbroken from time to time. Don’t ever feel you’re a loser for feeling such pain, it happens. Guarding your heart too much can even lead to more heartbreak you’re sometimes too late to know of.

5. Investing too many emotions can lead to too much pain

It’s true! Sometimes, as women, tend to be more emotional. We cry and feel so much at work and at play that we forget the most important things are. The tendency, we feel so much and by feeling so much it also gives us too much pain.

Feeling emotions can be a form of strength and also a weakness. So, use it wisely.

On cutting my hair and starting a new hobby

This isn’t quite new to me. I started cutting my hair (super) short since last year and started to have various hobbies when I get bored. But, perhaps this one is different because I’m thinking of maintaining it; eventually owning full-time this new things.

And no, I’m not brokenhearted. I’m at a very good state as of the moment.
What I’ve realized is that we do not need a new year to craft something new and we don’t need to be in the trend to do what we actually want.

Hair
I cut my hair because I’m already tired sweeping hairs from my unit’s floor from time to time. I’ve been dyeing my hair for 4 years straight now and it got ridiculously dried up. I’ve thought that maybe my hair need some overhauling and to have it deep black again (my original hair color). It’s easier to manage now though I look like 8 years younger; but it’s good, it’s not going to be obvious if I’m stressed out. It’s true when they say ang gaan ng feeling!

Hobby
I’ve had so many hobbies in the past that I do during my free time; yet, they were so hard to maintain because those are strenuous activities – running, snorkeling, research, travel, among other things. You see they’re quite expensive and ‘tiring’ to do but they’re good to exercise because: 1) physical, 2) active, and 3) it makes me happy. Now, I’m into cross stitching. Haha! I’ve learned how when I was still in high school as part of our Home Economics class. I’ve done some good pieces in the past but didn’t manage to continue on this hobby further because ‘digital age,’ the need to be equipped of all digital and techie stuff had gotten a head on. It was nice by the way, I’ve landed some good job with these acquired skills in the digital scene.

Cross stich nowadays are not in the loop. It’s outdated for many, rewarding for some (like me). The challenge lies when there’s so little cross stitching shops in the Metro, unlike before that there are a lot of it and you can even buy patterns and threads from a nearby bookstore. The challenge of finding good materials for this hobby is real. Good thing there are still some shops in SM North Edsa and of course, the place to be: Recto! Recto offers more affordable pieces and good patterns too.

After all, I’d like to believe that it’s not about the trend that you need to follow (except if you’re geared to business and marketing stuff – which I do for work), it’s more on what you think will make you fulfilled and happy at the end of the day even if it’s really small and way too simple to look at. Happy stitching!

How about this?

It’s not always rainbows and butterflies, it’s compromise that moves us along… as per the lyrics of the song She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5. It’s true, though. It’s really not rainbows and butterflies; it’s not always happy and perfect. There will be really times it’s going to be awful, it’s going to irritate you, and probably think to just quit and call it all off. By that time, you have to re-think. You’re just human; maybe quitting can be your resort to end stuff but then think further.

Dude, she told you she’s hard to be with, right? So, you have taken her in and you know the turf. She’s managing your expectations of her. I know, I know, you think highly of her at times, but don’t ever forget that she’s human too. She can be upset, she can be irritating, she can be mad, she can be anything worst she can ever be. She’s entitled to some emotions as much as you.

Maybe you said things you didn’t mean, or things you mean but wanted to take back. Dude, you can’t take back any word you’ve said; especially the words that already stuck into her head and words that made her feel unsecure/insecure of where she is now in your life. I’m telling this to you as a friend. I know her. I know her fully and believe me when I say she’s not emotional, but with you, it’s starting to get so different. Don’t you think it’s a good thing that she’s letting you into her emotions and showing you a part of her even if she knows you’re not going to like it fully? It’s because she doesn’t want to put up a face and pretend that it’s always okay. She’s just trying to be true and more true with you. Leaving her wouldn’t be the best from the options, right? Or, no?

Maybe she’s deserving and maybe she’s not. But she loves you wholeheartedly even if she’s fuming mad at you and/or can’t understand you at times. Have you ever be with someone who wants to battle with time just because she wants to make the most of the awake moments with you? Maybe it’s not your first time to be with a person who’s excited to see you. Maybe there’s someone better at that. Maybe she’s just upset because she planned things and didn’t go her way. She’s upset but definitely it’s not with you. It’s with time.

For the next days, maybe she’ll change; she’ll change temporarily because she’s hurt. Maybe she’ll not going to speak more. Maybe she’s just be quiet and be serious. She’ll sleep with a heavy heart and perhaps you will too. Have patience, that’s what I can say. Do everything to take her back again if she’s still the one you want you need, want, and can’t live without. She’s not easy to be pleased. She’s just hurt. You can say a lot of things to her but don’t threaten her you’ll leave and take it back. Because it will just make her feel unsafe. It will just make her believe that you won’t stick at the hardest of times. If you love her so much like you’ve said and like you’ve known… then make up for your mistakes. And she will make up for hers, I know that.

You know what, we can’t take back our words and our mistakes in general; what we can just do is to make up for it. Hurting someone we love is really awful, I know for sure. Sometimes we really don’t mean it. Sometimes it’s just a spur of the moment. Sometimes we are just caught up by our emotions and we let it overrule us. If you love her, then prove to her you want her in your life; regardless if you’re angry, upset, irritated and on the verge of giving up.

She loves you just as much to get upset with time and her battle for it. She loves you so much that’s why she feel so awful; and that’s why she cried and still crying her heart out. She loves you, you should believe that and hold on to that. Have patience. She loves you even if she does not want to speak with you – she’s just thinking her reaction. She cares for you that’s why she’d rather be quiet and cold than say hurtful things.