Category: Journal

I haven’t written anything here since forever but I’m very glad to share that I’m ending this year in a good note. Of course, like many of you, this year wasn’t perfect, we just made every single moment count and we only count those things that really mattered the most.

This year, I am happy to gain another year of life. I have finished my graduate studies, I was kind-of praised and satisfied of being able to do my job in the academe efficiently, and I have given the opportunity to create and explore more adventures with and for Happy Shift.

It was not easy. My road to #sablay2019 was not all rainbows and butterflies. I always thought that I was terrible at doing work in my chosen field. But I think what makes us survive is to wake up each day and decide that we will fight and we will do anything – you know, whatever it takes.

I know I should not be happy about eliminating some people in my life but it feels lighter to do so. I had the courage to ditch toxic people who didn’t treat me well in the last years. Yes, there was merit in apologizing to me, but let’s just keep it at that. I was able to forgive those who didn’t apologize as I don’t want to carry it as I traverse through the remaining months and days of the year and the next.

It was also nice to connect and have closure with some people who wronged me in the past. It didn’t necessarily mean that I still want them to be part of my present and future, it was just nice to close that chapter of them in my life. I have matured a lot more this year – I didn’t mean to be anti-social but I pretty much enjoy being with one to three people, or alone.

Some of the things I learned this year (plus the ones tested through the years):

Do not reply to people you have already gotten out of your system 
It will not change a bit. It will just perhaps feel a little exciting because you haven’t talked to them for so long, but be it known that you have already survived not to be in contact with these people – I don’t think there’s still a need to be chummy.

You talked a bit, say your sorries and that’s it. Let life do it course. You don’t expect to be part of their lives because… their SOs Instagram account (if and when you follow) can explain why. It will turn out, they’re just the same a**holes. Only now that they are softer (not kinder), but still a to the hole (or you know, DDS).

Your boss’s attitude won’t change
If your boss is 40 or over 40 years old, he/she will not change. Not one bit. Unless he/she has the will to do so for the greater good. Other than, he/she will remain as is for the rest of your lives; so better get yourself together and work on doing your job properly. Prosper on your own, grow in your own phase, and learn things your style. Don’t wait for your boss’s encouragement. Lucky you are if you found a supportive one, but if you haven’t yet (like me), don’t cry and rant so much about it on the corner, you do you. Better yet, be your own boss – I am my own boss as I run my own enterprise and have made a compact with the universe that, nope, I will never be a bruha.

Choose your friends and treat them well
Have you ever been in a friendship where you feel like you are doing all the effort to meet, to talk, to confide, or simply connect? I was there until I’ve decided the other way around. While I know that distance in friendship doesn’t matter and that we don’t have to talk every minute of the day just to prove that we’re still friends, I’d also like to know if you still care enough to reach out especially during special moments.

Friends are often connected through social media as well. So, reaching out is not a chore to do as it is easier to do it now. Why do back then we send letters written on cute stationaries with a stamp? Why now that it’s free, we don’t even send virtual stickers or even Gifs to each other?

I don’t require my friends to give me back the love or care I give them. I’m happy doing that for people. I just want to know if you guys are still in the corner and our differences don’t get in the way of our so-called friendship.

Since now that I have a smaller circle, I can take care of them better. Most of the time, we’re on social media, I don’t see any excuse why I won’t check on you.

Steps matter – Fitness is essential
Since I’m extremely busy night and day, I don’t get the chance to work out like I used to. Mehehe. So I made sure to walk and walk and walk. Bringing a vehicle to work can sometimes convenient, but I find it harder to navigate with all this Metro Manila traffic, so it is still better to take public transport (even they suck) or work when you’re a kilometer or two to your destination.

My daily target is at least 10,000 steps. I got a good fitness tracker that I love and holds my life now hahaha (which I will share on a separate post). Taking of yourself is deemed essential especially if there are a lot of people dependent on you on a daily basis (people who work for you included).

You do you
Many people will tell you what to do and sometimes they won’t be happy for you, don’t mind them. You do you. You also don’t need to do what the society says, you are free to choose the things you’d like. You also don’t need to pressure yourself adapting to the norm. Do what you feel like doing – as long as it’s not illegal and doesn’t berate any people, you’ll be okay.

You want to go to that school, don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t. You want to buy that stuff you have been long wanting, purchase it — don’t let anyone tell you that you don’t deserve it. You want to eat that pizza because you’re craving, then go eat it. Don’t let anybody tell you that you ‘a moment on the lips, forever on the hips.’ Na-ah. Go, do whatever the hell you want. You are the only one who can put boundaries to yourself. But, don’t forget to make good choices, okay?

Comfort over aesthetics
I finally made peace with myself that I’m not really stylish. I don’t wear high-heeled shoes, and I can’t, too because of a knee injury in years back. I also do not like wearing revealing and body fit clothing – my early 20s were all about that.

I’m weight-conscious and I care about normal BMIs, okay? I’m 50 kilograms and I’m good. I don’t feel the need to lose more or gain more. Too skinny was never good. I like to keep my style as comfortable as possible. I don’t care about repeating clothes. I have donated and sold other pieces of my clothing in the closet and I only kept what I like to wear, really.

I also like my hair in a ponytail. If I have so much time then I dry it using the hairdryer. That’s it. I don’t need hair rebonds, straightening, or whatever. Black hair is also good and low maintenance. I’ve had my hair in color for four to five years straight. It was tiring to have the roots re-touched over and over.

Being presentable is better than being attractive. Well, for me. I guess, if you are really comfortable and confident, your personality will shine. I’d like to be known as smart rather than beautiful but dumb. And yes, getting into law school won’t solve your problems on the aesthetic side. My doctorate degree will keep up with my unstylish aura.

Time is always better than material things
Yes, a new mobile phone is nice or a new Macbook, JBL headphones, or a Gucci or an LV bag, but spending time is so much better. Our home is the most comfortable place on Earth and I don’t want to even leave it. This is the place where I get to spend so much time with the people who matter to me most, myself, my books, and my Kindle! Bahaha.

I don’t need too much material stuff. I’m going to sell it all after a few months. I’m happy to cook, do laundry, and play with Ashton afar from the intelligent stuff I do for work on a daily basis. Now that I’m making so much money (naks LOL), I’ve finally realized that money is not everything. Usually, when you are making that much, you want to make more. But, it’s different in my case. I’d like to give more, save save save, spend a little and that’s it. We can go back to spending time at home or elsewhere with our loved ones.

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I’d like to update this list later on. There was more to this than I thought of the moment.
Now, back to my readings, my business, and my laundry. 😉

The day has come. I’m in no training wheels anymore. After this weekend, I’ll be moving to a new location, quite farther than the current, but this is where I should be and the reason why I was trained beforehand.

It is bitter-sweet, if I may say. It’s nice to know that this is growth and gives me a sense of (more) independence to challenge myself to decide and do things mostly my own at this point in time. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t doubt myself, I still am until now, and I know I still will. On the other hand, it is hard to leave people (of course, not entirely because I’ll be just moving) I’ve been with for half of 2019. In fact, they helped me to know myself better and gave me a direction of who I really want to be – as a person and as a leader.

It was and still a tough road for all of us. I’m confident that we all share the same sentiments, and it’s great to receive assistance and support from people I didn’t expect in the beginning. It was eye-opening, and it made me re-affirm that maybe, just maybe, I’m doing good than I thought I would. It was heartwarming to hear stories aligned with mine, it was great that my colleagues empathize, and turned into ‘friends’ than mere officemates.

Maybe doubting a little bit about yourself could be healthy as it gives us the humility and modesty. It walks us through to the tunnel of confidence and balances it in the middle or just enough for us to carry ourselves through the job that has been entrusted to us.

It is quite a bigger challenge, but maybe it’s better. I know it won’t be easy, and I’ll probably be more clueless as I was, but it’s nice to have a little obstacle.

“Those are tidy shelves,” I so thought to myself. I was walking inside a thrift book shop to find inspiration for, maybe, what I want to do next about my life.

I must say, browsing books there quite gave me a sign of direction; or so, I believe.

I am still at a loss of life. The majority of it is still about my degree(s) – there is always a compelling art to what should or could come next after the other. They say it is not what you achieve, but what you overcome. I am pleased that if I repeat it to myself, I will become at ease.

Browsing through books, some titles sparked ideas and ideals for me. Sustainability, Education Administration, Social Entrepreneur, Career, to name a few. Maybe those words were hints from the universe of where I should put my efforts and attention to.

When I was in my early 20s, I’d like to believe that I will get answers when I turn a little older. I hit 25, and I did not get answers. I am on my way through the big 3-0, and certainly, I still got no responses. Only bigger questions, more confusing, more challenging, and indeed, excruciating at times.

My thoughts linger to me and scratching my temples, wanting some attention. One, I still battle for sustainability. It is and will always be a big fight. Social entrepreneurship is not a walk in the park. It maybe has more challenges. I am yet to be more surprised.

Two, I just got back in the academe and maybe it is where I truly belong. I have been everywhere, and nothing worked except those things I do because of passion and personal advocacy. Academe, for me, was rewarding, at least it was how I expected it to be.

Third, I felt like I am overhauling my career. It does not feel like I’m in the middle. It feels like I’m beginning all over again. You know what some people say about beginnings… it’s always the hardest.

While I was reading Michelle Obama’s recently launched book, Becoming. It dawned on me that I am no different. Obama’s pitfalls and challenges about her career mirror mine, too. Like her, maybe I can surpass it as well. If you ask me when, well, I do not know. But I cannot wait.

Books were today’s sanctuary. They do not talk nor listen, but they have a voice to convince you about where you should be heading next. Stories get to us even at the most inconvenient time. Thus, these stories are gates to better chapters ahead of us.

What I was saying maybe is that it is okay to doubt yourself sometimes. Perhaps you need that to take a step back and view your life from a bird’s eye view. Maybe you need ten steps back to see how’s your 20 steps forward will be.

Waiting is also part of the entire process. Go get yourself a hobby.
This way, you would not notice the time, and you can have your hope refilled.

Thanks to Labor Day, I have finally got a chance to watch another movie – and no, it’s not Avengers: End Game, but another film that stars Mark Ruffalo, 13 Going 30.

I was a teenager when the movie was released. I remember relating to how we wish we are mature or old enough to live the life we always wanted – like real grown-ups, doing whatever we like, going to places where our parents or guardians do not permit, or having to meet someone we can relate more with – be in a relationship with, or even marry.

I turned a little 30 a week back, and I think it was quite timely for me to see the film. Like Jenna Rink (Jennifer Garner’s character), I wish I also had a chance to go back to a time I most wanted or have the opportunity to change a life’s decision. Haha! Aren’t we all are, at some point?

While I may have a few regrets, I’m also grateful to reach the age when I don’t fear much at all vis-a-vis to life back then. If I am asked today, I can afford to lose a job anytime – don’t get me wrong – it’s not that I want to, but if and when, I know that the world is big enough to explore and test different waters where I can totally fit in. If you talk to me a few years back, I’d definitely die thinking how I am going to survive day-to-day without a job or a career for that matter.

I have come to know that there are far important things than what we use to earn for a living. It’s living that matters; and while money is an essential part of why we work hard, nothing can ever compare to the fulfillment that what we currently do gives us. It makes family celebrations even more like a celebration. It creates means for us to purchase things or services that can make us happy and appreciative more in life.

Jenna in the movie felt this when her life started to unfold. Sometimes, I also think the same as her: what have I become? 

Even up to this day, whenever I’m left alone I think – what on earth have I become? Is it for the better? Is there anything else I should do in life? Am I too fast or slow? Am I doing something right? Lots and lots of questions.

You know, I don’t really have some much time to go through these questions and reflect on it one-by-one. I always have something ‘more important’ to render to. People close to me, I guess would have the answer. I’m at a point in life that I’m not that anxious to make mistakes anymore because I know that I can always start over and life is a never-ending process of ends and beginnings. I have reached the point that I don’t want to lose more time. I want to make the most out of it like it’s always last every single day.

I have made so many mistakes in my life. I guess, I have paid that or will do in due time. However, one thing that I know of is I’m ready. As much as it will hurt to do so, I’m sure that there are life lessons and purpose that will help me be wherever exactly I need to be. So help me, God.

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Mark Ruffalo is my first-ever legit crush. Hahahaha! Not from the movie 13 Going 30 though, but from Just Like Heaven with Reese Witherspoon. The latter was released a year after the former; so yes, I’ve seen 13 Going 30 quite late. Now, I can only associate him to Hulk hehe, but he is indeed a good versatile actor (same with Paul Rudd).

I love how Jenna had the chance to correct her life, then everything seems to fall onto the right places. Sana all! hahaha! Let’s wait and see.

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To those who took time in the day to greet me a happy birthday and wish me well, thank you so much. This life is way cooler and more colorful with you guys in it. Thanks again! Here’s to another year of life!

Lately, I’ve had enough of people. Well, some. They seem so toxic for me, and I know, and I don’t want to live my life feeling like this all time. I’ve lost many people in life (literally), and that made me more firm in thinking that life is… indeed short.

More than a year ago, I lost my uncle. He was my confidant through all these years, and it was sudden that he passed away. Up until now, I cannot talk about him without shedding tears and feeling sad. There are lots of ifs, buts, and what could have been. It was and still so painful. I felt like I’ve lost a friend.

I can only count the people who have been with me when I was down and who never left my side through all the pains and aches in life. Maybe three? Never a lover.

Honestly, among the ones I have dated in the past ’til the present, I haven’t found a non-judgmental individual. Like the one who will love you at your worst. Maybe this love I’ve found all along was shallow. Perhaps I haven’t really found the one for me. I don’t know.

All the guys I’ve dated have pieces of baggage and they expect me to fix that. I can’t do that. I can’t also ask you to fix me, because only I can do that. Maybe I have expected too much from them, too. Hmmm. Be with me through these blunders? Listen? Put a halt on judging me? Not get mad at whatever I say especially if it is not about them? Am I asking too much? Is there something wrong with me?

I’m tired and I don’t know who to tell because Kuya Denz will only be the one who can listen and tell me it’ll be okay, and actually be sincere about it. I’m in a crowd but I feel so alone. I want out, I always want out, I’m so tired of defending myself. I’m so tired of paying for the mistakes of others.

 

Hello!

I know social media and the internet is already part of us and posting, commenting, resharing, and other activities are uncontrollable especially if it is done publicly. We all have different opinions, thoughts, and beliefs, and it is nice to share it with others and eventually know someone who can relate.

Since that is easier to comment without thinking, bash without knowing, and express their opinion without understanding, the turnout of comments, views, and the words that came with it really affect me not just as a person, but most especially as a parent. It then pushed me to somehow express my sentiment about the matter.

I have uploaded on my personal Instagram account a Boomerang Story of my son wearing a turban/headband. I have also cut his bangs since that it was already interfering his sight, hence the not-so-pleasing outcome that many people have pointed out. I am NOT an influencer or even social media famous, hence why it affected me because I only add people I know of personally and people who know me on that same level.

The comments I got were related to: I should not have my son wear a headband because he is not a girl (headbands are for girls); I should not ponytail his hair because he will look like a girl or may turn out to be gay; I must not have him wear female clothes because he is a boy in the first place and might grow into a gay one in the future if I continue doing so.

I have kept my mouth shut and did not mind such type of comments until today. I think it is enough to remain silent about this kind of issue.

Let me just reiterate it:

I do not care if my son will turn out gay. What is wrong with being gay, anyway? He has all the right to choose whatever gender he is happy with. What I just want for him is to grow as a responsible citizen of the country, not undermining anyone, honest, disciplined, principled, dignified, and has kindness for everyone he meets along the way. He can be whoever and whatever he wants to be as long as it is not illegal and not stepping on other people’s lives and precept.

My son is not born to please all of you. He is not born to graciously serve all of your egos and whatever you want him or perceived him to be. As his parent, I want to see him reach his full potential and be happy in the endeavors he wants to take in – gay or straight.

What I’m after is that he does well in life, remain humble as blessings come by, remain strong as challenges test him, and show love and respect to us as his parents.

People are so quick to judge about my son’s preference and mine, too. He is only one year old. Throwing rants about me as a mother and how I raised my kid is not for anyone of you to intercept. We have our own techniques as parents. I may not be perfect, but I would not let my child be harmed by people who do not really show concern for him in the first place.

It is sad, indeed. Some of you are close and dear to me and even considered as family. So what if my son turned out to be gay? Does it make me less of a mother? Does it make him less of a person? You can save all religious behest for yourself.

You all say that children are a gift from above. He is and he still will be even after he chooses whatever gender he prefers. I hope after this you may open your minds and your hearts to us who want and believe the other way.

At the end of the day, we all want to be respected. I do, the moment I did not mention your names. And, I hope you show the same respect I’m giving you to my child.

Thank you for your understanding.

There were really days, huh? I’ve been so tired for the last two years – mentally, physically, and emotionally. You know, I’d like to believe that I have lengthened my patience, perhaps through time, through experience, and through downfalls, but sometimes I just lose it. How about you? Maybe I’m asking for validation if someone in here feels the same, too.

I think the emotional tiredness is one of the hardest to recover with. If you are physically or mentally tired, you may have to sleep on it then it gets better. But, when you are emotionally exhausted, it doesn’t really follow.

You’ll get this many blunders in life that you wanna yell at everyone who is actually annoying, doesn’t have manners or discipline. But, you want to take the high road and be a bigger person because it is actually appropriate at the moment. However, things may get off at hand sometimes.

Have you ever forced yourself to love somebody because it’s the best thing to do? I think I have and it’s really a lot of pressure if you’ll think about it. Love is something you can’t force onto someone just because. It must come naturally. Pressuring someone to love you is I guess desperate and immature. I have been there, I know for sure.

What if that someone doesn’t match you at all? What do you have to do about it? Cry? Scream? Push it? It’s tiring. All of the ‘fitting-in’ kind of things are exhausting and not worth the fuss.

I think many people confuse love with something else. They think saying I love you every single time even though there’s really no heart to it is love, or merely sleeping together, or eating together. It could be sweet, but you really can’t judge if it’s love or not.

Love is deep, and it is something recognizable but not utterable. It can’t be measured by the things you give, the words you say, or the actions you do. Sometimes you can’t be sweet with anyone, but deep down you know they have, and you indeed love them. Just because you’re not sweet, doesn’t mean you don’t feel anything at all.

It is a puzzle. It makes me wonder. I know what I’m capable of as a person, but I’m not really fascinated by other people measuring my ability to love, my level of success, and the limit of my opportunity.

We all have our own interpretations of love, and I guess someone should not force us on how we should be just for them to know if we love them or not. Some people don’t really demonstrate affection, but that won’t mean they don’t get hurt or feel the hurt.

There are some who wants to approach things logically, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have the heart to understand from the heart’s point of view.

I don’t really know where I will be next, but I don’t bother much, you know. When you are this age of almost 30 – you think that you have all your life figured out, but the truth is no. Anybody has there life all figure out? How did you do that?

I’m thankful for the common belongingness I receive from the universe. But sometimes, I can’t help but wonder. How do I shut my head from thinking? Will I ever meet someone who thinks just like me? Or maybe truly understand how I think things through and entirely be okay with it?

I wonder.