Lately, I’ve had enough of people. Well, some. They seem so toxic for me, and I know, and I don’t want to live my life feeling like this all time. I’ve lost many people in life (literally), and that made me more firm in thinking that life is… indeed short.

More than a year ago, I lost my uncle. He was my confidant through all these years, and it was sudden that he passed away. Up until now, I cannot talk about him without shedding tears and feeling sad. There are lots of ifs, buts, and what could have been. It was and still so painful. I felt like I’ve lost a friend.

I can only count the people who have been with me when I was down and who never left my side through all the pains and aches in life. Maybe three? Never a lover.

Honestly, among the ones I have dated in the past ’til the present, I haven’t found a non-judgmental individual. Like the one who will love you at your worst. Maybe this love I’ve found all along was shallow. Perhaps I haven’t really found the one for me. I don’t know.

All the guys I’ve dated have pieces of baggage and they expect me to fix that. I can’t do that. I can’t also ask you to fix me, because only I can do that. Maybe I have expected too much from them, too. Hmmm. Be with me through these blunders? Listen? Put a halt on judging me? Not get mad at whatever I say especially if it is not about them? Am I asking too much? Is there something wrong with me?

I’m tired and I don’t know who to tell because Kuya Denz will only be the one who can listen and tell me it’ll be okay, and actually be sincere about it. I’m in a crowd but I feel so alone. I want out, I always want out, I’m so tired of defending myself. I’m so tired of paying for the mistakes of others.


Author: shainnehostalero

Shainne Hostalero, MDC is a social entrepreneur (owner and founder of Happy Shift PH), a communication scholar, and a writer.

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