Category: Journal

One of those days, can I just say?

I slept 12mn last night right after fixing the electric fan. By which, my fault why it was broken and needed fixing at the very first place. So, I have accepted that. And the best thing that I can do is to fix it first and think carefully if I should purchase a new one. It’s still working, though. Just needed a little love and care when using.

***

My apartment is located at the top floor of the building. From here, I can see QC, Makati, and Ortigas (if my brain locator is working, right). What a good sight to see especially at night when it’s dark and lights are turned on.

It looks like it’s going to rain and I feel sad everytime it happens. There’s something about rain that makes me so melancholic deep inside wherever I am. Maybe because I’m a summer baby – was born in one of the hottest months (PH-based, of course). I don’t know if I feel empty or bored, either way it starting to get the best of me. This could be one good reason why I don’t want to be attached to someone, because whenever I’m alone and got nothing to do, I think of that person – what he does at the moment, I wonder what he’s been up to and whatnot, thus, it shuts me and no matter how hard I try not to think about that person, I can’t help it. My mind has a mind of its own. That sucks. And you, yes you, I don’t want to think about you anymore. Got that?!

***

Well, it is and will always be true. What you don’t know won’t hurt you. But in my case, I’d like to know things – no matter how excruciating it will for me – because at one point or another, that is how I will be free. To just to push through the pain if ever it will cause me some; and treasure the happiness if it’s going to be the other way around.

I’m not easy. I can be open like this to everybody but not fully. Reasons why some people (especially men) get too intimidated or chickening out because they don’t even know what’s inside my head. And in case they’d ask, I’ll just say the most basic of things even though what I have in me is truly beyond it.

***

I always comfort people – my friends, strangers, and anyone who needs comfort. They see and feel like I always have the right answer to things. Well, at least that’s what they tell me. But truth be told, I don’t have all the answers to things. Perhaps, I just have some opinion to stuff, but I don’t truly have answers or to put it on a better light, the right answers. Sometimes, I wanted to be comforted, too. I want to say that ‘I don’t know,’ ‘I feel terrible,’ ‘I’m not on a steady lang phase.’ I have been independent for so long, so long that I couldn’t remember when everything started. I’m well aware that nobody is responsible for me but myself. And that’s how it will always be.

But sometimes, I’d like to give myself a little break from all of this. From the little bit of pain that has been brought by my own senses; because of my choices, and what I think would work. It did work and it still is anyway. But it’s not like the movies, as the cliche goes. It’s real life so it will really push me down under. I’m prepared for that but that doesn’t mean that it will not cause me pain, even a little bit. Because currently it is. I’m not ready to talk about the tedious details of that in here and I’m not even fully acknowledging it myself yet because I know me, it will all crash down completely and I couldn’t get the hold off steadfastly as it requires. But at least, it’s safe to say that I’m not dense after all. I can still feel something that can grow into something more (well, wasak nga lang); but don’t worry, I can shrug it off.

How do I know? Because I know myself more than anyone does. But I’m not self-centered nor selfish. I’m just complete and in need of sharing this completeness with.
I think, that’s enough said for now.

I remember when I was young and looking up to you – and to all the things that you do. I get reminded when I’m in here, a little bit older, still looking up to you – and to all the things that you do. I’m so much skillful now than when I was eight but I still need you because you’re so much skillful now than when you were forty nine.

I feel lost from time to time and I came to the realization each time that it’s part of growing up because you told me so. Maybe it really is true – that it’s part of maturing; or maybe you told me that because you don’t want me to feel bad about feeling lost, and you’re trying to make it sound like it’s just normal and I should just dig it in and continue.

You were working in an office and you were pretty great on what you do as you provide me a great shelter, nice clothes, compelling education, and unconditional love. You were always there for me, you still are, even at times when even I, wasn’t there for you, and wasn’t even there for myself either. You being there for me never changed and I know it never ever will.

I remember when I was twelve going thirteen, I don’t want you to pick me up from school anymore nor want you to accompany me going there each weekday morning. I just want to be on my own that quick, that early. I remember the day from last week, that was a little over a decade after that, I want you to pick me up from work, and I want you to accompany me there every single day; so for me to feel safe, so for me to know I’m doing just fine… because you tell me so and I will entirely believe that I’m doing just fine… because you just told me so.

I have achieved. I have failed. You were present during those times regardless of what the weather is. For a man of few words, it’s pretty big to hear you talk and share your thoughts about my dealings – whether it’s good or bad. I remember when I was about to go to college and refused every single thing that my mom wants for me – then you told me to do what I like doing and what I think will really make me happy. I remember a Saturday night from two weeks ago, I was so exhausted about work and wanted to take part anew, I was even crying I think – then you told me to do what I like doing and what I think will really make me happy.

I remember hiding things from you – about romantic relationships, friendships, and where I go. I was young and I didn’t want to admit that I didn’t know what to do. I remember three or four years ago when I’ve had my heart broken. I came home crying. I was crying so hard and I went for you, you were at the kitchen just across the bathroom, you hugged me and told me that it’s okay and it’s just going to be okay. It did eventually. I remember the times after that, I still get my heart broken from time to time, but never did I cry so hard like that again, because Papa, I remember that it’s okay and it just going to be okay because you told me so.

I remember the time I wanted to quit my job and I verbalized it during a mini family gathering because I was asked. Everyone says no and I felt a little bit off because I didn’t feel good about that job anymore. I felt a little bit off because I thought that quitting and doing what I actually like to do will be a bad idea, that jumping from one job to another felt like a heinous crime I should not be committing. That feeling was that bad, I wanted to disappear right then and there. You were beside me and just quiet, I was quiet too thereafter and out of the blue, you looked at me and whispered that it’s okay, I can do whatever I want to do and I should do whatever that is that will make me happy. You assured me that you will not feel bad about it so I should not too.

I remember moments when I was in different beautiful places. I remember moments when I wanted you to see what I was seeing there too. I wanted us to be in the same place. I wanted you to witness the beauty that I’m witnessing. For you were one of the best reasons why I did, why I can, and why I will.

I remember each and every single day with you, Papa. I also remember every single day when I wasn’t with you. The thoughts of you wrap me up and make me feel not alone inside the four corners of my apartment. Your thoughts warm me at terrible times, communicating to my inner core that it’s just going to be fine.

I remember each digital camera proceedings when we are filming. I remember my thoughts of you that, I know, you’ll like what I’m doing. I remember each story, each word, that I know you’re proud of me because I expressed myself and wrote it down; and even prouder because it made its way into a good use. I remember every thought. I remember every story. I remember every feeling. And I know you are too.

I remember everything, Papa. So much remembering that I don’t want to forget. I tell you things I remember now because I don’t want to forget them and I don’t want them to forget me. As same goes with you, I hope you always remember even if it’s harder for you now. You shall never be forgotten because you give me, and everyone for that matter, so much to remember.

Dagitab (2014)
“Sparks”
Written by: Giancarlo Abrahan

Towards the end of the film, I couldn’t not help but ponder:

Mag-isa. Ganito makakarating sa pinanggagalingan. Hindi naman sa paglingon. May puntong babasagin mo ang sarili at wawasakin ang lahat ng nagtatahi sayo hanggang mag-isa ka na lang. 

Kapag handa ka ng mag-isa. Saka mo makikita ang kailangan makita. Laging ganito. Nasa pinakamagandang panahon ka ng buhay mo. Wala kang muwang. ‘Di mo alam na naroon ka na sapagkat naghihintay ka ng katiyakan sa loob mo na meron pang dadating. 

Naghihintay ka ng naghihintay hanggang magugulat ka, lumipas na ang panahon niyo. Lahat ng hinintay mo ay dumating na pala. 

Photo by my brother, James Hostalero PICC, Plenary Hall My college graduation

First, a big CONGRATULATIONS to all of you! I say, education is worth more than any amount of material things our money can buy. It is one of the treasures we could cherish and share to everyone forever; and to all of you who have decided to pursue and achieve your dreams; to all of you who have passed and finished your elementary, secondary and college degrees with and even without honors, soar high! You are one step closer to the betterment of our society. And, as early as now, you finally have made a difference.

The best advice I could give to all of you is… Don’t STOP. Don’t. No matter how the universe says otherwise. Like some of you, I have so many frustrations. I can’t even say that I am successful (in the universe qualifications) right at this moment, but if feeling ‘happy and contented’ and/or finding ‘genuine happiness’ are to be registered as qualifications to label as successful, I am now, perhaps.

I graduated with  a Bachelor’s Degree Major in Marketing Management from one of the top 10 universities in the Philippines and now continuing with various programs from internationally recognized educational institutions. When I was in college, I was 0.04 away from being a Dean’s Lister and 0.07 away from Cum Lau De. Always almost but not quite. I know, I’ve worked extra hard for everything I do and sometimes, like most of you, I feel like my best wasn’t good enough. But then, that taught me so much lessons – grades are just numbers, honors are just bonuses and it is always hardwork over talent. But, don’t get me wrong. I salute all of you who have reached the utmost level of awards to graduate with flying colors, who have achieved positions in their respective student organizations and council and to those who have been recognized as one of the prides of their respective schools, colleges and/or universities. I salute you all for all the hardwork and passion you exerted for the past years of your lives. And I do hope that you will use all of your achievements to be one of the instruments of change.

Photo by Shainne Hostalero FEU Diliman Grade School and High School Graduation 2015 (also posted on FEU Diliman’s Facebook Page)

To all of you, don’t let your standings overrule you. Don’t let your emotions do the same too. Think, feel, and work hard for every little thing you do. No matter what the weather is and even the odds aren’t in your favor, there should be ‘no stopping’ you.
You know what they say, ‘Sometimes, we win. Sometimes, we LEARN.’ No matter how it feels like you are far away from the top, always be reminded that for you to get there, you should take the first steps towards it.You may happened to have failing grades, but it shall not define how hardworking and how good as a person you are. I must say, and perhaps you know it well too, that sometimes the most intelligent and successful people are not always the good ones. We must always know how to remain our feet on the ground, that no matter how strong our wings are; we must never forget how to walk.

If you, by any chance, have encountered someone who degrades you, always remember that what they say is a reflection of them and not you. No matter what bad things they may do, don’t let that in to your heart for they will just destroy the goodness in you.

For everyone of you who have loved and lost, for everyone who were cheated by their former partners, and for everyone who have done the same too… may the lessons from your experiences bring you to wonderful places and for the better phase in the the sphere of your lives. May all of those things that have happened in the past be a lesson to you to change for the better and to make up for the time you have lost luring around hate, anger, lies, and bitterness. May all of those teach you a lesson of trust, patience, contentment, acceptance and happiness.

To all of you who wishes to have another degree after graduation, please do so. To all of you who still have a long long way to go, I hope you all be guided by what’s in your heart to achieve all of your dreams in life. To everyone who believes to whatever they can do to be a better person, I salute you.

May all of your dreams come true and may you be a happy instrument of change in this world. You make a difference. Congratulations, Batch 2015!

Before the clock strikes 12 midnight and consider April 22nd over and done, I want to say thank you to the whole universe and to the Lord above for giving me such a perfect day.

Photo by Candy Razon

Thank you everyone for your birthday greetings! This, I could say, is the best birthday I’ve had for the past three years (since 2012) of jumble. Thank you so much to my family for putting up a mini get-together and for leaving your offices earlier than usual so you could come home before I do.

Thank you so much my bff, Rara, for the birthday greetings and for generally coming into my life and sharing almost a decade of true friendship.

Thank you to my FEU Diliman Family for the surprise cake and a happy lunch. I’m really blessed to have this day came through. Indeed, an unleash!

Again, to everyone of you who took time to go through my social media dashboard to express the warmest greetings, to everyone who texted, called, left wonderful messages for me and surprise me in any form… thank you so much. This day was and still is perfect!

I really felt the love by the gestures each of you have shown. I have received 3 cakes from friends and family and yes, it’s a lot because I used to receive none from the past though. Hahaha! And I must say, these cakes all came by as a surprise!

From my FEU Diliman Family

From MY FAMLY

From Ditzler and Lay

To the best Lola in the world, happy birthday! I’m happy to have started my life with you and if the Lord permit, to end it with you also.
I know I haven’t thanked you enough, you and Papa for everything you’ve given me ever since I was able to stand up on my own, literally. I might stay home not talking or maybe you’re having this impression of me that I’m not listening but I tell you, Ma, I know every little thing about your stories.

Thank you, Ma. Thank you for being there when my world seems like it’s falling apart. Thank you for telling me that everything’s going to be alright even though, sometimes, we know that it’s not going to be at all but yeah, thanks.

Thank you, Ma for making each day wonderful. For making me feel like I’m not alone. For everything you’ve done. For the unconditional love you and Papa showered me.

No words can express how much I love the both of you. Even my actions aren’t enough to elaborate how much I love and care for you. I love how we laugh about everything like they really make sense at all. I love the simple lifestyle we have, the simple lifestyle you’ve taught me that made me really simple and I therefore think, that’s one good thing about myself. I’m proud.

Like a lyric from a song, “you are the one that makes me happy, when everything else turns to gray.” Indeed. Thank you for wishing all the best for me and thank you accepting the lovers I had/have – that whoever I’m happy with, you are happy too.

Thank you for singing songs to me when I was a kid, though you know I hated the sad ones because they always make me cry without rational reasons at all – maybe because I pictured myself with those lyrics and never did I want to lose you. Not a single chance.

Thank you for bringing me to thrift shops! I love it! One of my favorite places here on earth.

Thank you for the love and the care that no amount of money can buy. Thank you to both Papa and you.

Happy birthday, Ma. I wish you all the happiness in the world. I love you so dearly.