One of those days, can I just say?
I slept 12mn last night right after fixing the electric fan. By which, my fault why it was broken and needed fixing at the very first place. So, I have accepted that. And the best thing that I can do is to fix it first and think carefully if I should purchase a new one. It’s still working, though. Just needed a little love and care when using.
My apartment is located at the top floor of the building. From here, I can see QC, Makati, and Ortigas (if my brain locator is working, right). What a good sight to see especially at night when it’s dark and lights are turned on.
It looks like it’s going to rain and I feel sad everytime it happens. There’s something about rain that makes me so melancholic deep inside wherever I am. Maybe because I’m a summer baby – was born in one of the hottest months (PH-based, of course). I don’t know if I feel empty or bored, either way it starting to get the best of me. This could be one good reason why I don’t want to be attached to someone, because whenever I’m alone and got nothing to do, I think of that person – what he does at the moment, I wonder what he’s been up to and whatnot, thus, it shuts me and no matter how hard I try not to think about that person, I can’t help it. My mind has a mind of its own. That sucks. And you, yes you, I don’t want to think about you anymore. Got that?!
Well, it is and will always be true. What you don’t know won’t hurt you. But in my case, I’d like to know things – no matter how excruciating it will for me – because at one point or another, that is how I will be free. To just to push through the pain if ever it will cause me some; and treasure the happiness if it’s going to be the other way around.
I’m not easy. I can be open like this to everybody but not fully. Reasons why some people (especially men) get too intimidated or chickening out because they don’t even know what’s inside my head. And in case they’d ask, I’ll just say the most basic of things even though what I have in me is truly beyond it.
I always comfort people – my friends, strangers, and anyone who needs comfort. They see and feel like I always have the right answer to things. Well, at least that’s what they tell me. But truth be told, I don’t have all the answers to things. Perhaps, I just have some opinion to stuff, but I don’t truly have answers or to put it on a better light, the right answers. Sometimes, I wanted to be comforted, too. I want to say that ‘I don’t know,’ ‘I feel terrible,’ ‘I’m not on a steady lang phase.’ I have been independent for so long, so long that I couldn’t remember when everything started. I’m well aware that nobody is responsible for me but myself. And that’s how it will always be.
But sometimes, I’d like to give myself a little break from all of this. From the little bit of pain that has been brought by my own senses; because of my choices, and what I think would work. It did work and it still is anyway. But it’s not like the movies, as the cliche goes. It’s real life so it will really push me down under. I’m prepared for that but that doesn’t mean that it will not cause me pain, even a little bit. Because currently it is. I’m not ready to talk about the tedious details of that in here and I’m not even fully acknowledging it myself yet because I know me, it will all crash down completely and I couldn’t get the hold off steadfastly as it requires. But at least, it’s safe to say that I’m not dense after all. I can still feel something that can grow into something more (well, wasak nga lang); but don’t worry, I can shrug it off.
How do I know? Because I know myself more than anyone does. But I’m not self-centered nor selfish. I’m just complete and in need of sharing this completeness with.
I think, that’s enough said for now.