This is how much I miss you

I miss you. More than you can ever imagine.
Remember when I was little and you sing to me then I always cry because your song is so
melancholic and it made me feel like I will lose you. I always want to go back to that everytime.
Those clear memories when I was little and having a hard time because there were so many things in our lives that I couldn’t understand but I should. You always tell me that someday I will be happy, I will be number one, and I will deserve it just as long as I will believe.

I did believe that, mama. And up until now I still do. Every night I cry because I miss you. I miss your smell, I miss your hugs, I miss how you understand me and not being angry at me whenever I throw tantrums and whenever I’m just quiet. You always know my heart’s desire. You always know what’s inside of me. I miss you mama. You’re my comfort.

I’m sorry for all the times I didn’t spend with you. I’m sorry if I can’t provide more for you and papa. Above all, I’m sorry for all the times I made you worry. I always need you because I always love you.  I wish I could take away all your pain, your heartaches, and your troubles. I wish I could do all of that. I always think of you, mama. You are my everything. You are the only person who will see all my reasons despite of you being annoyed at me for throwing up an upscale. You always understand better, you always feel better for me, and beyond all challenges you always see me like someone you’re afraid to lose. Someone who you will choose above all circumstances. Nobody would ever choose me over something or someone besides you and papa. You always make me feel I’m number one. You always get to spend time with me and listen to what I have to say.

I always want to be like you, mama. I always want to be comforting as you. I wish I had spent 20 years as 7 years old, because I want to spend more time with you. I always love to tell stories of you because that’s what you are to me – always a good story. Thank you for making me who I am today. Thank you for teaching me good manners and instilling good values to me while I was growing up. Thank you for scolding me and giving me punishments when I was a kid for me to feel the weight of my actions most specifically the wrongs ones. Thank you for making me feel loved every single time even when you are mad at me. For making me feel I’m the choice you will always take, your top priority. Thank you for letting me know I’m special and making me feel that beyond that, I’m not entitled. Thank you for not leaving my side even though I have left yours sometimes.

There are so many thank yous for you inside my heart. No words can ever express how grateful I am for having you. I miss you so much, mama. I love you everyday. See you soon.

Author: shainnehostalero

Shainne Hostalero, MDC is a social entrepreneur (owner and founder of Happy Shift PH), a communication scholar, and a writer.

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