A eulogy for you that never was

Will always be my favorite set 🙂

As every Sunday is a Sunday to remember. We all couch and get lazy at home and probably watch boxing matches on TV with Papa. Every weekend can be filled with ice cream or spaghetti, and of course, softdrinks – oh how can we forget?

For the past 40 days, everything has been so different. We are still not used to the fact that you are not around, well physically. And more, we will not be used about it all. They say, time will heal all our wounds and our longing. It can be lighter sooner or later but I don’t think it will be forever gone. You will always be part of us and will always be dear to our hearts. No matter what the season is. No matter where we are and will be.

I opt not to speak during the time of your wake when it is our turn to give you a eulogy. Because first, I can’t do it. I have little to nothing of strength to tell you how I feel; second, I should have told you this personally when I got the chance to do so; and third, you will not be truly gone from me, from all of us.

Maybe I write this eulogy because I want them to know how you were able to touch my heart and my life; and how you will continue to do so.

It’s painful to be one of the people you left behind but I know it’s more painful for you because you left the ones you love in very untimely moment – when everything is just happening and when everything will continue to happen and so.

I wasn’t that likeable as a kid growing up. I was moody (and still am, perhaps). I was on my own and I have crafted my own world. I lacked attention from my biological parents and never really grew up with them. At a young age, I know my situation was different. I felt pressured to understand but I eventually did. You were just there to make me feel otherwise. You were just there to give me the ‘normal.’

Every happy meal you bring home to me when you first started working, I was happy. I was happier when you were able to complete sets of it – a whole McDonald’s rocket ship, a Jollibee Ferris Wheel, and other stuffed toys as ‘pasalubong‘ to name a few.

I always remember how Papa scold you whenever you go home late and drunk. Never have I heard you answer him back nor rebel. Yet, you lie-low for a few nights and still continue to go home late and drunk the rest of the week. Hehe!

But you did great in school. You were so intelligent maybe because you have a big head. You teach me in all my assignment and do some of my projects. You were and still my favorite ninong (even if you don’t give me Aguinaldo during Christmas – but you have given me more than that and that’s more than enough for me.)

When you told us you were getting married, we were so excited and finally we can be part of the entourage. I was a flower girl perhaps just once in my life when I was 5 and my last bridesmaid gig was in your wedding. I was then 8 years old.

I thought, you getting married will change everything. That you will never help me anymore with my school works, get me toys from fast-food chains, or accompany me to school when Mama can’t. I was happy and sad at the same time. But then again, it didn’t change a thing. You didn’t change a bit. That’s why every little addition to the family is exciting – from Ate Che, Charles to Reeza, and now Derenz.

Every occasion does matter. Where to go, what to do, what to eat, and so on. You were with us every step of the way. Even when I went on my own way, which for the record I somehow regret because if I have known, I should have not left and just spent the remaining days with you and the family.

Your demise come as a surprise to all of us. I have never imagined our life without you. Never in my life I expected like this to happen – especially to you. But as I was thinking of all the things I’m sad about while you’re gone, I also thought that it’s for the better maybe. In heaven, you will not feel any more pain. You will breathe love. You are now safer.

I know you are sad because you have left the ones whom you truly love. It was uncalled for but it was time. Instead of questioning the Lord above why, I came to believe for his purpose of why someone like you was taken from us.

Maybe we should start to realize to be good with each other, to spend more time together, to tell our family members and make them feel how much we truly love them. Maybe we should take good care of our health more and maybe we should be just like you – never reacting on what bad things other people say – no matter how painful they are may be. To help others in times of need without asking anything for return.

You have made us realize, me especially, that life is short. We don’t have much time in the world so we better enjoy while we can. It’s still painful for me to think I will not see you again in this life. But I sure know that there will be next and you’re just there to welcome (but not too soon, please. Hehe).

We still don’t know how to go on after you’re gone, but we will figure it out for you. We don’t want to be selfish about it because we know that every time we are wishing for you to comeback, you are having a hard time dealing with it, too.

We soon be comfortable with the uncomfortable. As long as we know you’re in good place now, we will sure be fine. You will always be a part of my every prayers, every happiness and even sadness too. I’ll do my best to be even half as good as you are.

We miss and love you every day. Every time. Always. Forever.

See you in the next, Kuya Denz!

Author: shainnehostalero

Shainne Hostalero, MDC is a social entrepreneur (owner and founder of Happy Shift PH), a communication scholar, and a writer.

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