Category: Journal

Bosses can make or break us… and more often than not, they break us. Haha! Lucky are those who found comfort and friendship with their bosses. But for others who are struggling, have struggled, and will struggle, patience is indeed a virtue.

I’ve been in various industries as a marketing and communication professional and as a writer. I’ve been blessed with different good friends I gained along the way. In fact, some of them are my former bosses/supervisors.

But it wasn’t always rainbows and butterflies. There were also some experiences that I don’t wish to go back to even if given the chance.

Like some of you, there were also times I cried at work because of too much stress and pressure. I know when we all are in our glorious self, we say that crying at work is a big NO. But hey, it can get a little rowdy sometimes.

Stress, of course, is how we approach it, but most of the time it is unbeatable. Stress seems to have its own life and your boss appears to be the god of stress and pressure. We respect them, oh but of course, sometimes, when it is too much to handle, we wish we could say these things to them:

1. “You don’t own me!”

Will always be my favorite set 🙂

As every Sunday is a Sunday to remember. We all couch and get lazy at home and probably watch boxing matches on TV with Papa. Every weekend can be filled with ice cream or spaghetti, and of course, softdrinks – oh how can we forget?

For the past 40 days, everything has been so different. We are still not used to the fact that you are not around, well physically. And more, we will not be used about it all. They say, time will heal all our wounds and our longing. It can be lighter sooner or later but I don’t think it will be forever gone. You will always be part of us and will always be dear to our hearts. No matter what the season is. No matter where we are and will be.

I opt not to speak during the time of your wake when it is our turn to give you a eulogy. Because first, I can’t do it. I have little to nothing of strength to tell you how I feel; second, I should have told you this personally when I got the chance to do so; and third, you will not be truly gone from me, from all of us.

Maybe I write this eulogy because I want them to know how you were able to touch my heart and my life; and how you will continue to do so.

It’s painful to be one of the people you left behind but I know it’s more painful for you because you left the ones you love in very untimely moment – when everything is just happening and when everything will continue to happen and so.

I wasn’t that likeable as a kid growing up. I was moody (and still am, perhaps). I was on my own and I have crafted my own world. I lacked attention from my biological parents and never really grew up with them. At a young age, I know my situation was different. I felt pressured to understand but I eventually did. You were just there to make me feel otherwise. You were just there to give me the ‘normal.’

Every happy meal you bring home to me when you first started working, I was happy. I was happier when you were able to complete sets of it – a whole McDonald’s rocket ship, a Jollibee Ferris Wheel, and other stuffed toys as ‘pasalubong‘ to name a few.

I always remember how Papa scold you whenever you go home late and drunk. Never have I heard you answer him back nor rebel. Yet, you lie-low for a few nights and still continue to go home late and drunk the rest of the week. Hehe!

But you did great in school. You were so intelligent maybe because you have a big head. You teach me in all my assignment and do some of my projects. You were and still my favorite ninong (even if you don’t give me Aguinaldo during Christmas – but you have given me more than that and that’s more than enough for me.)

When you told us you were getting married, we were so excited and finally we can be part of the entourage. I was a flower girl perhaps just once in my life when I was 5 and my last bridesmaid gig was in your wedding. I was then 8 years old.

I thought, you getting married will change everything. That you will never help me anymore with my school works, get me toys from fast-food chains, or accompany me to school when Mama can’t. I was happy and sad at the same time. But then again, it didn’t change a thing. You didn’t change a bit. That’s why every little addition to the family is exciting – from Ate Che, Charles to Reeza, and now Derenz.

Every occasion does matter. Where to go, what to do, what to eat, and so on. You were with us every step of the way. Even when I went on my own way, which for the record I somehow regret because if I have known, I should have not left and just spent the remaining days with you and the family.

Your demise come as a surprise to all of us. I have never imagined our life without you. Never in my life I expected like this to happen – especially to you. But as I was thinking of all the things I’m sad about while you’re gone, I also thought that it’s for the better maybe. In heaven, you will not feel any more pain. You will breathe love. You are now safer.

I know you are sad because you have left the ones whom you truly love. It was uncalled for but it was time. Instead of questioning the Lord above why, I came to believe for his purpose of why someone like you was taken from us.

Maybe we should start to realize to be good with each other, to spend more time together, to tell our family members and make them feel how much we truly love them. Maybe we should take good care of our health more and maybe we should be just like you – never reacting on what bad things other people say – no matter how painful they are may be. To help others in times of need without asking anything for return.

You have made us realize, me especially, that life is short. We don’t have much time in the world so we better enjoy while we can. It’s still painful for me to think I will not see you again in this life. But I sure know that there will be next and you’re just there to welcome (but not too soon, please. Hehe).

We still don’t know how to go on after you’re gone, but we will figure it out for you. We don’t want to be selfish about it because we know that every time we are wishing for you to comeback, you are having a hard time dealing with it, too.

We soon be comfortable with the uncomfortable. As long as we know you’re in good place now, we will sure be fine. You will always be a part of my every prayers, every happiness and even sadness too. I’ll do my best to be even half as good as you are.

We miss and love you every day. Every time. Always. Forever.

Before the day ends today, I want to show my gratitude to the Lord above for giving us fathers that change the way how we perceive life in general. We are thankful for all the life’s lesson and discipline our fathers bestowed and taught us, making us who we really are as a person today.

I’m far off blessed to have my papa, dad, kuyas, and titos, who have been and still the foundation and the epitome of how real men should be.

To the greatest man ever who didn’t make me wait for anything, who showed me what unconditional love is together with the best woman in my life (mama), Papa.

Happy Father’s day, Papa! You are part of my every thought. Thank you for your love, understanding and guidance. Thank you for saving my life more than once, twice, or even thrice. I couldn’t tell you anything more but thank you and I love you.

I hope that you still have more years to spend with us here on earth because we haven’t given back even just half of what you have offered us since then.

Thank you for your love that can move mountains – your love that didn’t ever ask anything in return. We are grateful for every story, for every lesson and for every waking moments with you.

Thank you for providing us the best things this life can offer – that no matter how big or small, serves us and made us all comfortable. Thank you for your hardwork and sacrifices. Never in my entire studying life I ever heard you complain about how hard it was paying my tuition fee. You’ve joined me in every battle, in every sadness, and of course, in every happiness. You let me explore the world and still welcome me each time I return from the world I discovered and built for myself.

Thank you Papa for everything. We love you always. My everyday is dedicated for you, mama and to our family. I love you Papa, you are everything to me. You are everything to us.

To the best tito and ninong a person can have, Kuya Denz. This is our first ever father’s day without you but rest assured that you are always in our hearts not just today but every single day.

Thank you for sharing laughter with us and for letting us know what family really means. Thank you for being a good example to all of us.

We are hurting and still sad that we will never see you again physically but we are also happy because you are in a safer place now – without pains, discomforts, and such. I miss you, Kuya Denz. We miss you every single time. We hope that, wherever you are in this world or perhaps in the other, you are happy and you still continue to be a blessing to all the souls you’ve touched and will touch (for sure). We may miss your laughter, your love, your care, and your presence, but more than anything else, we will remain strong and together because you’ve taught us the meaning of family.

In time, we will see each other again. We love you, Kuya Denz! Happy Father’s Day!

Before we come to an end of April 2017, I would just like to thank all of my friends and my family for taking some time from your busy days to greet me on my birthday last April 22. As we get older, I think birthdays are often considered not as special as when we were still 7 or 18. Because, yes, we are getting older each day, each year and most of the time, we don’t want it to happen.

Yet, growing old is a privilege and getting wiser is optional. In this new year, I will become more than who I am, I’m now a mother which gives me another important purpose in this world. It wouldn’t be easy but it will definitely be worth it.

As I turn into another chapter of my life, I appreciate the value of family more. They’re the ones who would not judge you for all that you are and for all that you are not. They’re always going to be there because that’s how real family is like. I thank the Lord for the gift of family.

I thank Ross for being so thoughtful and doing everything he can for me and for the whole family. It’s really great to know that someone you love, loves you back and I guess that’s how this life is about: to love and be loved in return.

I thank my friends and colleagues for all the support in everything that I do and for all their well wishes. I wouldn’t make it without all of them.

At this point in time, I’m more organized on what I would like to accomplish and do with my life and I would definitely love to continue it so. For all the challenges that will come my way, I feel I’m ready. Life doesn’t get easier, we get tougher.

Thank you everyone for all your love, care and support. I’m very pleased to share these precious moments in my life with you. Love you all!

I miss you. More than you can ever imagine.
Remember when I was little and you sing to me then I always cry because your song is so
melancholic and it made me feel like I will lose you. I always want to go back to that everytime.
Those clear memories when I was little and having a hard time because there were so many things in our lives that I couldn’t understand but I should. You always tell me that someday I will be happy, I will be number one, and I will deserve it just as long as I will believe.

I did believe that, mama. And up until now I still do. Every night I cry because I miss you. I miss your smell, I miss your hugs, I miss how you understand me and not being angry at me whenever I throw tantrums and whenever I’m just quiet. You always know my heart’s desire. You always know what’s inside of me. I miss you mama. You’re my comfort.

I’m sorry for all the times I didn’t spend with you. I’m sorry if I can’t provide more for you and papa. Above all, I’m sorry for all the times I made you worry. I always need you because I always love you.  I wish I could take away all your pain, your heartaches, and your troubles. I wish I could do all of that. I always think of you, mama. You are my everything. You are the only person who will see all my reasons despite of you being annoyed at me for throwing up an upscale. You always understand better, you always feel better for me, and beyond all challenges you always see me like someone you’re afraid to lose. Someone who you will choose above all circumstances. Nobody would ever choose me over something or someone besides you and papa. You always make me feel I’m number one. You always get to spend time with me and listen to what I have to say.

I always want to be like you, mama. I always want to be comforting as you. I wish I had spent 20 years as 7 years old, because I want to spend more time with you. I always love to tell stories of you because that’s what you are to me – always a good story. Thank you for making me who I am today. Thank you for teaching me good manners and instilling good values to me while I was growing up. Thank you for scolding me and giving me punishments when I was a kid for me to feel the weight of my actions most specifically the wrongs ones. Thank you for making me feel loved every single time even when you are mad at me. For making me feel I’m the choice you will always take, your top priority. Thank you for letting me know I’m special and making me feel that beyond that, I’m not entitled. Thank you for not leaving my side even though I have left yours sometimes.

There are so many thank yous for you inside my heart. No words can ever express how grateful I am for having you. I miss you so much, mama. I love you everyday. See you soon.

One year ago nasa Baguio ako, at nung taon bago pa. Madaming tao pero malamig pa din. Naglalakad, tipong kahit saan makarating.

Ngayon, nasa bahay lang ako. Nanonood ng mga balita – yung iba hindi makauwi ng Baguio at ng ibang probinsya dahil sa rally ng mga drayber at kundoktor. Sana makauwi na sila.

Quota ako sa pagpunta sa Baguio ngayong taon dahil sa dating trabaho. Parang yung lugar slows you down. Parang nirerelax ka kahit alam mo sa sarili mo na hindi ka relaxed at stressed na stressed ka talaga. Madaming memories ang nandun sa Baguio – memories na hindi romantic; memories ng moving on at letting go at mga sobrang ginaw moments.

Naalala ko, mga three years ago siguro, nasa Baguio din kami ni Emily; namomroblema siya sa pag-ibig; ako din yata, namomroblema ako kasi ayoko ng pag-ibig. Pareho kami ng problema pero magkaiba. Weird. Pero ganun talaga.

Last year nasa Baguio din kami. Maginaw. Madaming tao. Pero iba yon; kasi wala kaming problema ni Emily. Wala kaming ginawa kundi magpicture, mamamasyal, at kumain. Nanood din kami ng sine. Sa dinami dami ng mall dito sa Maynila, sa Baguio pa kami nanood. Ok din. Mas mura. Mas masaya.

Ngayon nasa Baguio ulit sa Emily at ako nandito sa Manila. Nagkukulitan pa din kami; namimiss niya daw ako, wala daw siyang magawa dun. Ako din namimiss ko siya, kahit na masaya akong walang magawa dito.

Actually, lagi ko siyang namimiss. Kapag nandiyan siya para bang walang pwedeng umapi sakin. Para bang nakahanap ako ng kakampi kahit hindi kami magsabihan na ‘kampi tayo ah!’ Para bang lahat nakakatawa. Kahit malaking problema, nakakatawa. Kahit bihira lang kami magkita tapos pag nagkita kami yung para bang nakauwi ka ng bahay? Parang pwede ka maging ikaw kahit gaano ka pa kasama sa palagay mo. Kahit gaano pa kadrama, ok lang. Kahit umiiyak ka na ikaw mismo hindi mo alam yung dahilan, ok pa rin sakanya. Parang kahit mag-away kayo alam niyo pa din na magkaibigan kayo. Kahit wala kayong pera at saka kahit meron, pareho lang.

Wala ako sa Baguio at wala si Emily sa Maynila pero magkasama pa rin kami.
Hindi mo naman birthday, Emily. Gusto ko lang malaman mo na mahal kita at namimiss kita.
Nabigay mo na din naman ang regalo ko nitong pasko at hindi naman uso ang magbigay ng regalo kapag New Year pero sana kahit hindi uso, sa 2017 at sa mga susunod nandiyan ka pa din. Sana wala kang choice.

Madami akong kakilala, madami din akong friends at Facebook friends, pero iilan lang ang alam ang istorya, at ikaw ang may akda ng Table of Contents. Ikaw din yata ang Preface. Salamat, Bethtie.

Sana makapag Balesin tayo pag nakaluwag-luwag.

2016, where do I begin?

Almost everyone has claimed 2017 to be theirs already. Hmm. Does it work on a first-dibs-basis? If it does then I’m out. Nevertheless, I’m planning 2017 to be more fun and fruitful; I’m choosing it to be like that and somehow, I can’t wait.

2016 wasn’t perfect… at all. Up until now I’m still being tested and I’m still pushing through the hardness and harshness of this year; though there have been a lot of unexpected great things occurred along the journey, I couldn’t be any happier; if I may just say.

I had to make tough choices in life – career move, residence, unusual places to explore and a lot of different people to interact with. Some might not be my choice but okay. A lot has changed from the past year. Some might not be that wonderful to think of; some are good and taught me a lot of good things. Each of it serve its purpose.

I had to be stronger, I guess; and somehow I managed to be one eventually. 2016 might not be that bad after all but it had fun on me as well. I had to experience all incredible things and all crucial things at the same time. I had to expect to be disappointed. I had to be sad to be happy. I had to cry to be able to laugh. I had to be hurt to know what true love really is. I had to lose some to gain some; and I had to move on and let go to finally see what’s in store for me, really. Those things were painful at the very beginning but end up good and ‘happy’.

I had to get over with a lot of things; with a lot of people. That’s how it was, maybe. It taught you a good life lesson: knowing what you truly deserve. To not settle for any less. To not cling on mediocre things, on mediocre treatments, on mediocre relationships. I’m happy I let it all happen and from then I knew… what I truly deserve.

I thank the year and the Lord above for the gift of family, the gift of love, and the gift of friendship. Everything happened for all the good reason. The year brought some light by letting me know why everything else didn’t work out before. All the pain went away.

Maybe, what I am just trying to say is that, 2016 had a lot of downs but it has its ups, too. It wasn’t perfect but it was alright. It had to be harsh for me to appreciate more. It did what it had to do and I’m still grateful for everything.

To my family and new found family: thank you for sticking around and showing your love in all unique ways possible. I’ve learned the different kinds of love, care, and affection. I’ve learned to appreciate you more especially in times I’m not with you. I’ve learned to love you even deeper during times I’m with you. Our family isn’t perfect, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. I’d still choose ours over and over again.

To my friends: thank you for being who you are, for always being there in times of inconvenience and more especially in fun. Thank you for all the laughter, the love, and the overall friendship that each of you has given to me all through these years. I’m grateful for each hug, each message, and each photo. I can’t wait to make more memories with you all. Here’s to hoping to bumping to you again in 2017 and in years to come.

To my love: I couldn’t thank you enough for coming and sharing your life with me. You’ve given meaning to the meaningless seams. You’ve given love and care to the unlovable stream. Words can’t express how much happiness you are bringing to me. You alone is already a huge gift. Thank you for sharing and thank you for staying. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. I love you.

Farewell, 2016. You’ve been great.
Cheers to the year that was!

One of those days, can I just say?

I slept 12mn last night right after fixing the electric fan. By which, my fault why it was broken and needed fixing at the very first place. So, I have accepted that. And the best thing that I can do is to fix it first and think carefully if I should purchase a new one. It’s still working, though. Just needed a little love and care when using.

***

My apartment is located at the top floor of the building. From here, I can see QC, Makati, and Ortigas (if my brain locator is working, right). What a good sight to see especially at night when it’s dark and lights are turned on.

It looks like it’s going to rain and I feel sad everytime it happens. There’s something about rain that makes me so melancholic deep inside wherever I am. Maybe because I’m a summer baby – was born in one of the hottest months (PH-based, of course). I don’t know if I feel empty or bored, either way it starting to get the best of me. This could be one good reason why I don’t want to be attached to someone, because whenever I’m alone and got nothing to do, I think of that person – what he does at the moment, I wonder what he’s been up to and whatnot, thus, it shuts me and no matter how hard I try not to think about that person, I can’t help it. My mind has a mind of its own. That sucks. And you, yes you, I don’t want to think about you anymore. Got that?!

***

Well, it is and will always be true. What you don’t know won’t hurt you. But in my case, I’d like to know things – no matter how excruciating it will for me – because at one point or another, that is how I will be free. To just to push through the pain if ever it will cause me some; and treasure the happiness if it’s going to be the other way around.

I’m not easy. I can be open like this to everybody but not fully. Reasons why some people (especially men) get too intimidated or chickening out because they don’t even know what’s inside my head. And in case they’d ask, I’ll just say the most basic of things even though what I have in me is truly beyond it.

***

I always comfort people – my friends, strangers, and anyone who needs comfort. They see and feel like I always have the right answer to things. Well, at least that’s what they tell me. But truth be told, I don’t have all the answers to things. Perhaps, I just have some opinion to stuff, but I don’t truly have answers or to put it on a better light, the right answers. Sometimes, I wanted to be comforted, too. I want to say that ‘I don’t know,’ ‘I feel terrible,’ ‘I’m not on a steady lang phase.’ I have been independent for so long, so long that I couldn’t remember when everything started. I’m well aware that nobody is responsible for me but myself. And that’s how it will always be.

But sometimes, I’d like to give myself a little break from all of this. From the little bit of pain that has been brought by my own senses; because of my choices, and what I think would work. It did work and it still is anyway. But it’s not like the movies, as the cliche goes. It’s real life so it will really push me down under. I’m prepared for that but that doesn’t mean that it will not cause me pain, even a little bit. Because currently it is. I’m not ready to talk about the tedious details of that in here and I’m not even fully acknowledging it myself yet because I know me, it will all crash down completely and I couldn’t get the hold off steadfastly as it requires. But at least, it’s safe to say that I’m not dense after all. I can still feel something that can grow into something more (well, wasak nga lang); but don’t worry, I can shrug it off.

How do I know? Because I know myself more than anyone does. But I’m not self-centered nor selfish. I’m just complete and in need of sharing this completeness with.
I think, that’s enough said for now.

I remember when I was young and looking up to you – and to all the things that you do. I get reminded when I’m in here, a little bit older, still looking up to you – and to all the things that you do. I’m so much skillful now than when I was eight but I still need you because you’re so much skillful now than when you were forty nine.

I feel lost from time to time and I came to the realization each time that it’s part of growing up because you told me so. Maybe it really is true – that it’s part of maturing; or maybe you told me that because you don’t want me to feel bad about feeling lost, and you’re trying to make it sound like it’s just normal and I should just dig it in and continue.

You were working in an office and you were pretty great on what you do as you provide me a great shelter, nice clothes, compelling education, and unconditional love. You were always there for me, you still are, even at times when even I, wasn’t there for you, and wasn’t even there for myself either. You being there for me never changed and I know it never ever will.

I remember when I was twelve going thirteen, I don’t want you to pick me up from school anymore nor want you to accompany me going there each weekday morning. I just want to be on my own that quick, that early. I remember the day from last week, that was a little over a decade after that, I want you to pick me up from work, and I want you to accompany me there every single day; so for me to feel safe, so for me to know I’m doing just fine… because you tell me so and I will entirely believe that I’m doing just fine… because you just told me so.

I have achieved. I have failed. You were present during those times regardless of what the weather is. For a man of few words, it’s pretty big to hear you talk and share your thoughts about my dealings – whether it’s good or bad. I remember when I was about to go to college and refused every single thing that my mom wants for me – then you told me to do what I like doing and what I think will really make me happy. I remember a Saturday night from two weeks ago, I was so exhausted about work and wanted to take part anew, I was even crying I think – then you told me to do what I like doing and what I think will really make me happy.

I remember hiding things from you – about romantic relationships, friendships, and where I go. I was young and I didn’t want to admit that I didn’t know what to do. I remember three or four years ago when I’ve had my heart broken. I came home crying. I was crying so hard and I went for you, you were at the kitchen just across the bathroom, you hugged me and told me that it’s okay and it’s just going to be okay. It did eventually. I remember the times after that, I still get my heart broken from time to time, but never did I cry so hard like that again, because Papa, I remember that it’s okay and it just going to be okay because you told me so.

I remember the time I wanted to quit my job and I verbalized it during a mini family gathering because I was asked. Everyone says no and I felt a little bit off because I didn’t feel good about that job anymore. I felt a little bit off because I thought that quitting and doing what I actually like to do will be a bad idea, that jumping from one job to another felt like a heinous crime I should not be committing. That feeling was that bad, I wanted to disappear right then and there. You were beside me and just quiet, I was quiet too thereafter and out of the blue, you looked at me and whispered that it’s okay, I can do whatever I want to do and I should do whatever that is that will make me happy. You assured me that you will not feel bad about it so I should not too.

I remember moments when I was in different beautiful places. I remember moments when I wanted you to see what I was seeing there too. I wanted us to be in the same place. I wanted you to witness the beauty that I’m witnessing. For you were one of the best reasons why I did, why I can, and why I will.

I remember each and every single day with you, Papa. I also remember every single day when I wasn’t with you. The thoughts of you wrap me up and make me feel not alone inside the four corners of my apartment. Your thoughts warm me at terrible times, communicating to my inner core that it’s just going to be fine.

I remember each digital camera proceedings when we are filming. I remember my thoughts of you that, I know, you’ll like what I’m doing. I remember each story, each word, that I know you’re proud of me because I expressed myself and wrote it down; and even prouder because it made its way into a good use. I remember every thought. I remember every story. I remember every feeling. And I know you are too.

I remember everything, Papa. So much remembering that I don’t want to forget. I tell you things I remember now because I don’t want to forget them and I don’t want them to forget me. As same goes with you, I hope you always remember even if it’s harder for you now. You shall never be forgotten because you give me, and everyone for that matter, so much to remember.