It needs a lot of getting used to

Kuya Denz, this needs a lot of getting used to.

You see, I don’t open up any of my problems to you, you just know. Now, how can I stay strong when you are now gone and definitely not coming back?
I’m so lost. There’s a lot of pressure. I’m under a lot of stress. Lots and lots of it. I don’t know where to put my mind next. I’m not happy. I try to be. But as you know it, it’s not easy and calling it hard is an understatement.
You know when you got married, I felt like I was going to be second, or even third. But I was wrong. You never made me feel like I’m last, you made me feel like I’m part of something more. Now, I always try to fit in. I don’t feel like first. I always feel like I always have to earn it when I actually know I deserve it.
I’m at a lost. I feel like I’m going to self-destruct. I felt like I should’ve used my brain more since I claim to be smart.
We miss you so much. Every single time. It’s still unbelievable. If we could just trade place, I’ll definitely agree to it just for you to watch your kids grow, to be with Ate Che, to accompany Mama and Papa, and spread more love and happiness to your siblings, friends, and colleagues.
Right now, I don’t feel like myself anymore. I feel like I always have to fill-in something or someone and it’s taking a toll on me. I feel so alone and it pains me more to think that I can’t just go home and you guys are there sharing moments, sharing laughters, sharing everything. With you, I don’t need any validation. With Derenz even with his condition, I don’t have to repeat myself a thousand times. You guys just get it. You guys just understand. And that’s how family really feels like.
I don’t want to get used to the pain and emptiness. I don’t like it at all. I try to stay strong as I can and I want to regain my lost self back.
It hurts us that you can’t be with us physically and it hurts us more to think that it will be just like this from now on. No Christmas and New Year with you, no birthdays with you, no festivity with you anymore everytime Charles, Reeza, and Derenz achieve something by which they always do — so we always feel the emptiness that comes with it from now on.
But the truth is, we can’t go back and no matter how hard it is, we are moving forward (whether we like it or not). It will just get worse before it gets better, hopefully.
In times like this that I don’t feel myself anymore and no one seems to listen and understand, I miss you even more. Because I don’t tell you that you should understand, you just do. And no matter how tough, you always take my side of the fence. You don’t question me at all, you just believe that what I was doing is for the better.
Now, I’m always being questioned to the extent that I’m bending everything just because. I’m expected to be just like who left then I start to lose who I really am.
Life’s hard you know and it will be harder for sure. I hope you walk us through the road where we can find ourselves back and where we can relieve our sense of purpose.
We miss you, Kuya Denz.
Happy New Year.

Author: shainnehostalero

Shainne Hostalero, MDC is a social entrepreneur (owner and founder of Happy Shift PH), a communication scholar, and a writer.

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