Onto that Ray of Sunshine

I was born on a summer; on an earth day, and considered youngest of the two (2) Hostalero children. I am a daughter to a witty and intelligent mother and to an overall artist father; and a lucky/blessed (understatement) granddaughter to the wonderful grandparents, Luis and Teresita.

I’m a 90s kid who grew up before the internet took over and flash out, who experienced a normal and fun childhood of playing outside with classmates, cousins and neighborhood friends and who made one of the very important life choices of skipping naps in the afternoon. Nostalgic as it may seem, I can reminisce playing and owning it up to Family Computer, PlayStation 1 (until the latest console), Black and White Gameboy to Gameboy Color and a lot of Personal Computer games and Word Arts with a dial-up internet connection among other 90s things. I had a perfect childhood.

Of course, there have been some bumps. Growing up with unusual family setup, smashed heart, failures and rejections, I guess it honed me to be the person who I am today – strong, upright and independent. On love, career/success, and life in general I went to the extremes of happiness, sadness and hurt. I did not have a perfect life but I would not want it any other way. I can say that I probably know some way to get out of some maze, get by, and ace some test.

Part 1: Love
I had my heart broken way too many times. Some I regret, some I let be. Most of it happens to be my choices. I once lost my faith in people because of heartaches caused by infidelities, lies and abuse. I was always the choice that did not make. I was always second best or even third. I was always a secret. I was always not good enough. So then, I gave up. I did not want to admit it to myself that it let me become dense and insensitive and it killed every single hope and love from me and within me someone still deserve.

For years, I closed every door and window of opportunity to attract lovers. I dated a lot but nothing ever got serious. I pretty much enjoyed just knowing people which was a good thing because it made me more grounded and understanding as time went by. I was insensitive and did not pay much attention to other men’s interest or even to the world ending. I was just happy being me – nothing’s hurting, everything in its good disposition but nothing’s ever glamorous like love either.

I was alone for the most times and did not feel the need of needing or wanting someone to share everyday and every night with. I was complete. I am complete. I was happy. I am happy. But I did not thought that I can be more complete and I can be happier.

I was in a beach on Sunday looking at the wonderful sunset thinking to myself that maybe each moment from then on can be happier if I have someone to share my completeness with. I always believe I do not need anybody because I am already contented of what I have. But it occurred to me: what if someone needs me? I then realized that perhaps it would not hurt if you have someone who will ask how your day went or how life is treating you or the other way around. Maybe it is nice if you can be with someone who needs your presence to get better and with that simple gesture make them complete. Maybe it is good to hear their problems and even better to feel that you are the first person they want to share their shenanigans with. So many thoughts from the sunset, right? I was not insensitive after all.

After a few months, then it settled in.

It was a Friday of browsing some social media accounts feeling hopeful that my crush would actually notice me – my ‘intelligent’ posts though quite a bore, puns, and wittiness. It felt like high school all over again. The generation had set in. I’m no longer as young as before and it is no high school nor college at all. This have to get a little serious, you know?

It was a Friday when we get the chance to officially talk. It was also a Friday when we had our first date. It was a Friday when I realized that I really like him and it was the same day I knew that I love him and I am willing to take risk. Any of it. Any for him. I took it.

He is an artist, a quiet man for many, and the center of the solar system for me. He is Ross. There are too many positive adjectives I can associate with him. It is too many to mention.

Ross always makes me feel I mattered even when we are at the lowest point of our relationship. He is the first person I want to begin my day with and the last person I want to end my nights, too. He is beyond what I have asked the Lord for. I am blessed more than lucky. He is more than a missing piece in my jigsaw puzzle.

Ross saw me when I was invisible. I am a flat lay but he made me 3D. I am happy but he made me happier. I am complete but he still made me full. I remembered all the times I said I have given up. I reminisced all the moments I had my heart broken and suffered into pain that I did not expect I will ever survive before. It all came back to me and I am glad everything like those happened. Everything led me to where I am right now; everything where Ross is. It is and will always be true: things fall apart to make way for better things.

Ross gave me so much to remember. He reminded me that I am deserving of such love even though I say I do not want much of it or it is far beyond what I deserve. Now I know why I should hope and why I should have faith and have more it when it gets loose. It is because there is so much love in me that someone still deserves. He deserves all the love in the world because he is loving. He deserves all the goodness in the universe because he is good and even way better than that.

For all the times I felt like there is no hope and my world is ending, I lift myself up and fight once more. But things have changed since Ross went on board as he made every situation lighter, a wall much stronger, a bridge that is less higher, and a hand that holds tighter.

Author: shainnehostalero

Shainne Hostalero, MDC is a social entrepreneur (owner and founder of Happy Shift PH), a communication scholar, and a writer.

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