Tag: personal

It’s a riot whenever I think that I have not lost only one Luis in my life, but two. Aside from sharing the same first name, and surname that, both share the same sting. They also share the same cemetery. I, on the other hand, hold a shared pain.

I often wonder what conversations would be like now that I have gained more exposure to the world. I always like to tell my side of stories and haggle about what burgers taste good and in what restaurant or burger joint holds the best. I wonder what we will be doing now and what day in February you’d tell me that I needed to visit because you would have a celebration. I always wait every time, wish it could come sooner, but now I know it would not. It is sad to admit that invites from you will never come again but knowing that you are in a better place now is my consolation.

Maybe people would notice that I am always writing about grief. There is some truth to that. I cannot tell this side of the story verbally and face-to-face with someone because it will tear me up, so I resort to writing thinking that perhaps, it will ease some of my heavy load from that loss. It does.

How’s everything there in heaven, Kuya Denz? Do they have lechon there for your birthday? I have not seen you much in my dreams lately. Are you having fun where you are? You know, whenever I meet someone new, especially someone known or famous, I grab my phone and start to text you, but I remember I can’t, because no one will receive my texts anymore.

This should be a celebratory because it is, by far, your birthday; albeit not here on Earth, but somewhere better, I suppose. I have new jokes now, I have innovated them; I wanted to tell you, but maybe in dreams, or through the wind, or whispers hoping you could hear them.

In the past, I always wished you good health and a long life, so we could eat more burgers. To tell you honestly, I no longer know what to wish for you. I have more favors I need from you or wishes for myself that maybe you can grant (e.g., guide me, give me a funny thing to remember so I’d not be anxious, Lotto number combinations, etc.).

I always think of you whenever I witness beautiful things, new places, and new people. I wish you were here to see all of them or even just hear about them. Life’s boring without you in it. That’s the truth.

Is Papa there with you? Maybe you guys are having fun. I really do not have any idea, but thinking about that could be comforting. I wish I could see you in my dreams again with your oversized blue shirt. Happy birthday, Kuya Denz! I hope you are having a great time up there.

I was checking roaming subscriptions while having coffee because I was informed that I need to be abroad for several days by the end of the month. It was always pointed out by you that, that’s just how I am–reading everything I can first and getting answers through some help tips on the internet even when I know calling my service provider that I need roaming services from this date to that date is far much easier. And then you’d say, “Don’t be so shy talking to people.”

Papa, I’m happy to report that I’m not that shy anymore.

I always remember your voice asking me questions. I don’t want to forget how it sounds either. But sometimes I wish I could hear you again; even from a stranger who sounds a bit like you just to remind me more. Because there were times it fleets, and I don’t want those memories to slip away. Then I can hear you in my head again, you’d say, “You always remember things,” or sometimes when things get to be too difficult and hurtful for me, you’d say “Forget about them.”

Yes, Pa, I always remember things, and I can’t forget about them.

During a discussion in our technical working group for a project, I was able to share some certifications or professional certifications I had gained and experienced before. It led me to memory in 2015 when I got my Media Literacy certification from an international educational institution and how I told you about it. Funny it was, I told you about what I have learned to become media literate, and you, with a grin, told me that “maybe you should teach me how to use Facebook now.”

Papa, I wish there was Facebook in heaven.

Writing the above paragraphs, I had to pause every ten minutes or so because I kept weeping. I was convincing myself that maybe I was crying because I was just tired, and I knew how the next week and the week after would be more arduous and demanding for me. But I resigned that fact, I was weeping not because I was exhausted, but because this loss, seven months after, felt like a loss just a day past.

I whimpered when I finished my dissertation because finally my doctorate was done, and dog days were over. I wailed when I was to submit my final manuscript and had to write the dedication page. In my master’s thesis, I told you I dedicate it to you, and you said, “Thank you.” I guess, that’s where you always belong—on my dedication page—because it seems always achievable whenever I dedicate what I do to you.

You taught me the value of hard work and to not give up. While there is some sense in always fighting and fighting fair, you also taught me how to “forget about them” and how in the face of adversity, to tell myself initially that “okay lang ‘yan,” and later sob and be reminded that I have emotions too no matter how strong I can be because “I always remember things.”

A lot of people think that losing someone you love can make a special occasion so difficult. It is true. But not all would dare say that the every day and the most mundane things could be harder and bring you back to yesterday’s pain. Maybe it was just roaming services for them, but for me, it meant a lot more than just subscribing to it whenever I was away. Aside from I could be reachable by people in the office or in my enterprise, or my friends, that roaming service was the reason why I could text or call you whenever I was abroad.

Facebook was a lost cause for you, as we did not power through learning to use the platform when you were still alive. Because you said so yourself, “It’s too complicated, text nalang kita.” And sure, of course, I always waited for your texts, and even more so, your replies.

Even if there is Facebook in heaven, it’s sad that I still won’t be able to reach out to you. I wish my roaming services could text and call you then. But more importantly, I wish my prayers could lead you to the most beautiful places, just like how your prayers did for me. I miss you every time, Papa. To you, I dedicate every page.

P.S.

Luis A. Lim, my grandfather or Papa to me, died last July 8, 2023. He funded my schooling from kindergarten to college, honed me, and disciplined me to be the person I am today. Our favorite hobbies to do together were watching news and documentaries and talking about the economy and politics na kung mag-usap kami eh akala mo parte kami ng gabinete.

After he died, I did not watch the news anymore, I just read them. The news on TV (or any digital streaming outlet) reminds me so much of his demise. Seven months after his passing, a lot has changed but never the pain I felt when I lost him. Maybe I wrote this because that said pain demands to be felt and I like to feel it, because as painful as it may be, it reminds me so much of the good times we spent together.

Papa is the first person who made me feel I’m likable as a human being even as a painfully shy and always misunderstood kid. He taught me the necessary principles to have to get on this life. Looking back, I’m glad I have listened, because life turns out better for me (I guess). Albeit it’s imperfect and difficult at times, I’m blessed to have witnessed good things and become a good force of nature even in my own little way. That’s how Papa was for me.

In an attempt to save all memories (no matter how ordinary they may be), I will upload snippets of my regular days and/or experiences to my YouTube channel and, of course, share them on this blog as well–as there are things better written, just like our favorite book.

This debut vlog is just short to scratch an itch of creating a vlog and gaining another skill in video editing. Hoping I can do more and have more confidence to upload more then.

I started blogging in 2010 or probably maybe even before that when ‘blogging’ and posting it on the internet wasn’t a thing yet. I used to write notes and I kept a diary for most part of my grade school and high school years. It was an outlet really. I often jot down the books I’ve read about the stories or plots I can relate to. I originally intended the ‘reads’ part of my website to be the same case but I wasn’t following through due to all this life that is happening.

Anyhoo, I rekindled and halt this slump because I came across Bianca Gonzalez’s blog albeit it’s not updated now but still gold. It made me realize why this space is here, not that you all want to know things going on in my life and not that it’s interesting either, but it’s more documenting the life I’m privileged to have and maybe spread good vibes or something relatable even in just one reader, but I’d be more than glad if there’ll be two.

At 18 or 19 years old, I was a big blog reader of several bloggers (our generation’s influencers back then). Patty Laurel was one of those bloggers I always look forward to reading. Her contents were anything under the sun and those gave me the sense of freedom to actually be myself because that was what she does, be herself.

No smartphones yet during those times so keeping a blog was really ‘work’ for a college student like me, but seeing my entries now compare to before, there was the only thing I noticed that had changed — my time. I didn’t have that much time today that I had before because of the many other things that kept me busy — motherhood for one, my enterprise, doctorate, work, and life as it is. My hands are quite full but typing this or actually blogging for quite a long time feels good, really. It’s nostalgic.

In fact, I started some doodling and mini-journaling in September and early October of this year when I lost my voice. I was so down with a flu (COVID negative, TYL!) I went from paos to a total zero and it was so heartbreaking because I can’t communicate in the manner I was supposed to. There were so many things happening but I just can’t speak, literally. It started September first week – the whole week, and while I wasn’t 100% I came back to work like usual, then two weeks later it was flu all over again, even worse. I didn’t recover quickly because I felt I was okay and I ignored everything to actually rest. When the October flu came, I didn’t bother to contest anymore and I stopped feeling guilty about not answering calls (because I really don’t have the voice to shell out unlike the September season when I was at least just paos). I rested and rested well, I worked, but more on the pending desk work that I needed to submit and accomplish. Anyway, I’m thinking if I should share those journals I wrote, it was a good take on giving yourself the needed rest and it was also an opportunity for me to read more and start writing my book (which led me to the fact that I need to finish it).

Well, this entry is probably my resolution to blog more and give myself a little life and a little documentation of it. While I like things hidden, I don’t mind sharing some of my discoveries and thoughts. You will not find so much in the ‘Places’ section of this website, truth be told, I’m a hermit, and I don’t like going out. I think I should try to share some of my travel photos and experiences in the past to compensate hehe well, I’ve traveled well enough to know that I don’t like traveling that much — but I always like to try something new here and there.

I know blogs aren’t that “in” anymore unlike in our “day.” Haha hindi naman masyadong matanda diba but when you were a tween, a teen, or in your 20s during the 90s and the early 2000s, blogs are usually a go-to where you can know the latest chika about people’s lives and more or less you’ll also know how poetic someone is–yes, even the people you already know personally. That side they reveal through blog and that was a nice thing and I hope it is still nice to today. It is something to look something back to. Me, I do, I usually scroll all the way down to the very beginning to see how I transformed and to see how I lived my life before compared to how it is now.

This website or the portion of this that says “journal,”—I have been disappointed in myself too because I haven’t duly updated it and I usually don’t do journaling that much anymore. Adulthood and motherhood all combined are some of the daily doses I take every day. I am not as open in my blog like before, because I don’t like to bring satisfaction to my former boyfriends’ exes who look me up from time-to-time to know more about me. Hahaha! Stop na. We’ve been past that, don’t look me up na. Focus nalang on your lives. I will do you no good din naman unless you want to be an acquaintance or want to have a workaround of friendship with me diba, don’t do it like a creepy person, approach me nalang if you need to know something.

With all that aside, I wanted to be more open–not to the point that I’ll tell you everything there is to tell–more like I share things that I think significant or substantial, if hindi siya substantial, you may free naman to exit. Wala naman pilitan. Hahaha I just want to document a portion of my life.

I tell nga my son maybe mommy will start a vlog on YouTube or a mini vlog on TikTok. He just laughed at me and tell me NO. He knows these things, maybe he thinks it’s not bagay kay mom. (If you are with me at home with my kid, you’ll recognize this is how I talk. I’m not proud of it. I just mix and match English and Filipino words because I start to transition my son into speaking Filipino fluently too. We are getting there!) And going back, having a vlog I think is too much work? And I’m camera shy so I guess that’ll be challenging, but maybe I should try? Maybe keep this one nalang din since I’m paying for hosting and domain hehe

Almost -ber months update no one asked for:

• I’ve read a total of 44 books already and I’m currently reading my 45th book. I planned to read 40 books for 2022 and the reading challenge is already done by July 28, 2022. Woohoo! I felt especially proud about this achievement because I also got perfect grades last semester despite all the doctoral readings–glad that I was able to squeeze in pa to read books that many. Bravo!

Counting isn’t really required but it somehow helps to keep track of life and I do enjoy it. Reading also lessened my time on social media and it felt good, really. At least we get by without our smartphones holding us up. I usually do reviews of what I have read here, but someway somehow life requires more of me, so I halt and just transfer it on my Instagram account. Short and sweet. But not all I post, I don’t like to make it like a chore.

• Happy Shift is doing good, though more work needs to be done, we’ll get there. We are under a lot of R&D lately and I want to jumpstart it before I begin a new semester which will be packed, I am sure. We get invited to different events so there is always something to look forward to.
• I’m re-calibrating my life as I see fit. It is always a work in progress. You also have to reflect and see how it will get you to a new destination. It is something to always work on because you also have to transform and innovate.

Nothing really is new. More on improved other half of the year. There is just so much to tell though but maybe in another post. I like to load this space with more words and experiences with the sole goal of documenting things and probably ~inspire~ some. So, we’ll stick to the blog. Reading and writing are good things to practice, by the way. 😉

There are many ways I could remember you, but those ways can never not bring me to tears even in the middle of the day, in a celebration, even I’m in the most wonderful of places. It was never the same and I don’t think it will be again.

I wasn’t special and still am not. Average, fortunately, but growing up I saw myself achieving some that would make me feel somehow special, and I saw it because you let me, you have believed and pushed me that I can, genuinely so.

I wasn’t a happy kid–I’m always being compared sometimes to my classmates, mostly to my cousins, neighbors alike, and anyone my age doing far better than I was. My mother, who I know perhaps loved me like any other mother could, wasn’t very fond of me not just like how any mother should. Growing up, it was such a heartache. It was difficult to deal with it and still is even if I’m already in my thirties being a mother myself. But, just like growing up, it has been less painful because you have always believed I can do things I want to do, even the things I don’t want to. You have always supported me even if it was a hassle and could be tiring for you. I couldn’t even remember a moment you said no, even if I bring myself to reminisce if there was one moment in my life you made me feel unimportant, just like how many others made me while growing up and as a grown-up in this time.

It has been what? Four years? Yet it has always felt like it was just yesterday. I always remember your birthdays even if sometimes it looks like I have failed to. Maybe pain made me show things less–my sorrows, my affection to others, maybe the neutral vibe and a giddy self helped cover things for me–it was easy, no justifications needed, case closed.

How do you celebrate your birthdays up there now? Do parties there have alcohol and karaoke, too? Is there a lechon in heaven? Is it fun up there? Pain-free? Sorrow-free? I wish we could have celebrated more birthdays but sometimes I think that maybe it is selfish to wish for it because I want to make peace, that whatever it is right now with you, you are better; and celebrating more birthdays like I usually hope will not be good for you anymore.

The sorrow I feel may be of selfishness–that I lost someone who genuinely believes I can do great things and without you, I cannot seem to fathom how I could achieve more and better. Maybe that’s just plain selfish. BUT within me I know, you deserve more life than it ever was for you because you touched people’s hearts without even trying, by being just you. There are just so many things others are thankful for you and your life lived. What I feel is perhaps just a portion of what Ate Che and the kids’ feel, but I’d like to also think I hold merit because growing up as a snobby little child, I have never once felt that I don’t deserve good things and good treatment for being me. Looking back as a kid, I did need understanding, and more than the Happy Meals and toys you have collected and have given me, I am most thankful for that understanding and compassion you have shown me.

I still cry whenever I think of you. It still makes me sad. Every year it gets sadder because I feel I am rather far away from yesterday than I could reminisce. Sometimes I stop reading and inserting information in my head with the fear that each file I stuff in my brain can replace the memories with you that I have in it because I don’t want to forget and I can’t. Maybe as a kid, I wasn’t destined to grow up like others, that difference put me through tough times, but now that I can duly understand, I really didn’t grow up like others because mine was a bit more special than theirs.

I wish you are happy wherever you are. I know that you guide all of us always. Happy birthday, Kuya Denz. We miss you.

We’ll see you in our dreams.