I wonder

There were really days, huh? I’ve been so tired for the last two years – mentally, physically, and emotionally. You know, I’d like to believe that I have lengthened my patience, perhaps through time, through experience, and through downfalls, but sometimes I just lose it. How about you? Maybe I’m asking for validation if someone in here feels the same, too.

I think the emotional tiredness is one of the hardest to recover with. If you are physically or mentally tired, you may have to sleep on it then it gets better. But, when you are emotionally exhausted, it doesn’t really follow.

You’ll get this many blunders in life that you wanna yell at everyone who is actually annoying, doesn’t have manners or discipline. But, you want to take the high road and be a bigger person because it is actually appropriate at the moment. However, things may get off at hand sometimes.

Have you ever forced yourself to love somebody because it’s the best thing to do? I think I have and it’s really a lot of pressure if you’ll think about it. Love is something you can’t force onto someone just because. It must come naturally. Pressuring someone to love you is I guess desperate and immature. I have been there, I know for sure.

What if that someone doesn’t match you at all? What do you have to do about it? Cry? Scream? Push it? It’s tiring. All of the ‘fitting-in’ kind of things are exhausting and not worth the fuss.

I think many people confuse love with something else. They think saying I love you every single time even though there’s really no heart to it is love, or merely sleeping together, or eating together. It could be sweet, but you really can’t judge if it’s love or not.

Love is deep, and it is something recognizable but not utterable. It can’t be measured by the things you give, the words you say, or the actions you do. Sometimes you can’t be sweet with anyone, but deep down you know they have, and you indeed love them. Just because you’re not sweet, doesn’t mean you don’t feel anything at all.

It is a puzzle. It makes me wonder. I know what I’m capable of as a person, but I’m not really fascinated by other people measuring my ability to love, my level of success, and the limit of my opportunity.

We all have our own interpretations of love, and I guess someone should not force us on how we should be just for them to know if we love them or not. Some people don’t really demonstrate affection, but that won’t mean they don’t get hurt or feel the hurt.

There are some who wants to approach things logically, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have the heart to understand from the heart’s point of view.

I don’t really know where I will be next, but I don’t bother much, you know. When you are this age of almost 30 – you think that you have all your life figured out, but the truth is no. Anybody has there life all figure out? How did you do that?

I’m thankful for the common belongingness I receive from the universe. But sometimes, I can’t help but wonder. How do I shut my head from thinking? Will I ever meet someone who thinks just like me? Or maybe truly understand how I think things through and entirely be okay with it?

I wonder.


Author: shainnehostalero

Shainne Hostalero, MDC is a social entrepreneur (owner and founder of Happy Shift PH), a communication scholar, and a writer.

One thought on “I wonder”

  1. Back then I can only look at you from afar; too shy and naive to talk you in campus. Time gave me a chance, but I blew it. Now I'm back in the distance, looking, missing, wishing… Sana tayo nalang pa rin. Ang tanga tanga ko šŸ˜¦


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