Trigger Warning: Mention of depression

Over the last two to three years, I have experienced a period of significant growth, and I am very grateful because, finally, all my hard work, talents, and perseverance have paid off. By which, wins also come with different losses, and for me, that means dwindling relationships with a few friends, or so I thought.

I always believe that growth, just like time, reveals more about people and their real intentions. As painful as it is, we lose friends when we become somewhat inconvenient. But isn’t it inconvenience the cost of community? As real belongingness requires effort, sacrifice, and showing up for others even when it is difficult?

Feeling so hopeless about the friendships I have lost, led me to depression. The indifference surely swirled me down after all. I went to therapy not only to better myself but also as a way to survive. I needed help. I wanted to live longer for the sake of my loved ones, my family. I promised myself that this thing won’t be the one to make me give up. It was painful. It really was.

Pilates, an Outlet

Simultaneously with therapy, I had to physically get stronger to ensure I would not wriggle more than I was. I barely sleep, especially during the initial months of therapy. I needed my 200% day because of the work I do, and surprisingly, I’m on a high-functioning side of the fence. Delivering great work was the best intervention for me when being present was all I required of myself. It was truly a bonus. It felt good. I felt indestructible, even when I feel sunken deep inside.

I was at the bottom; I felt like I couldn’t even read and immerse myself in what I usually do. My brain wouldn’t shut down, rewinding scorned scenarios, connecting the dots, and figuring things out (self-blame). I know I wanted to go back to wellness, I’ve already started with therapy, but the physical aspect was also part of it all–you know, to not let yourself go. And I knew, Pilates was the answer.

I have an idea how it does because I tried it years and years ago when I was in my early 20s, when Yoga didn’t work for me. I just didn’t know what to expect this time, as I’m now in my 30s. I know it will be different. Goes to show that I didn’t expect a lot from myself, though. I just know that I’ll do whatever the coach asks me to do.

I was solo during the first session, and I think it helped. I was happy to be guided by a very thoughtful Pilates coach (hello, Coach Chelsea!), who customized routines for me, given that I’m a beginner, and it was our first time meeting each other. I was confused about how to breathe properly following executions. Finally, my mind was elsewhere, and it felt liberating. Liberating in the sense that it opened another world, reminding myself that the Universe is vast, and we just have to discover new things.

That session felt good, though my body was sore after. The next sessions followed, and I managed to get through them by wearing my colorful and color-coded outfits.

I was joined by my high school best friend, Joyce, who made the sessions a lot better. It felt good to be with someone so familiar, even though we have been apart a lot of the time since high school graduation. It was never the distance or the number of things that happened in your separate lives. It was those welcoming arms–willing to accept and understand, or simply be there, even not in proximal units, just under the same skies.

Joyce and I might not see or text each other every day, but we always make time to get together. I’m happy we do this almost every week. It keeps us both sane, and indeed, very comforting that you can just be yourself, even at the dimmest of your light.

I was so focused on people who just used me but didn’t like me, that I forgot I have great, long-time friends who are just there, waiting for our moments. And, Pilates brought that back to me. It not only made me physically (photos of my abs are in my Instagram account, haha! I’m happy too that I lose weight) and mentally fit, but it also brought me back to my core, our core – that of first-year high school girls, living simply and introvertedly in Valenzuela City, now discovering new things in life, battling new troubles, but only wiser, braver, and kinder. I’m grateful for such friends and my family who are with me every step of the way, especially in my battles.

I also couldn’t thank Coach Chelsea enough for the best Pilates experience. She made me want to come back every time. It is something I look forward to even after an exhausting week. To more stretches, bends, and cardio this 2026!

Now, I no longer need any medication to help me fall asleep. I wake up happy each day. My days and weeks are sometimes not perfect, but I try to make them be. I bake, I cook, I read, I play, I drive, I go everywhere. And these are all nice to do because of my friends (old and new, basta true!), and of course, my little family. 💜